Nintendo Apologises For Switch Online With More Titles


Nintendo has responded to scrutiny regarding their subpar Switch Online update by announcing another 6 titles which the company assures is 'nothing but BANGERS'.

The new crop only contains NES games, but as Nintendo explains, these are all top shelf in their respective categories.

"Thought those crappy games were all that was coming to Switch Online this month? Introducing more titles to grace the best retro video game service in the industry because YOU actually pay a massive Japanese conglomerate for them instead of some pedophile hosting roms on a server in his mom's basement."

"Please understand, Nintendo is aware of your desires to see more systems like the Nintendo 64, Game Boy Advance, Gamecube and many others added to the service, but we just haven't quite managed to figure out the emulation side of things yet. We assure you that just because you've seen these systems already emulated on older Nintendo consoles or even on the Switch itself, the situation is not that simple."

"We're also conscious of the incessant crying on social media about our choices of games already placed on the service. All of those spoiled, ungrateful losers out there who can't respect history will be impressed with our specially curated selection of banger NES titles  — No SNES required!"

"Without further ado, let's see how we've minimally increased the value to your annual $20 subscription to hopefully suck you in until it rolls over again."

The Cheetahmen - Active Enterprises (1991)

We've selected the very best game from the infamous Action 52 game collection. Take control of Apollo, Hercules & Aries as they struggle to take down Dr Morbis by glitching and spazzing until the game finally crashes for good and places everyone out of their misery.

Hot Slots - Hacker Entertainment (1991)

One of only a few adult porn titles released for the NES, Hot Slots enhances its already stellar slot machine game-play with beautiful women which is sure to arouse the most stubborn of gamers even in the modern age.

Aussie Rules Football - Beam Software (1992) NTSC Only 

AFL is a unique code of football created and played in Australia. Kick goals, root moles and wear short-shorts that climb up your ass while flicking your filthy mullet around as you suck down endless tinnies of VB during an endeavour to win the holy grail.

(Please note that this game is not available in PAL regions - including Australia)

Wheel Of Fortune - Rare - (1988)

People clambering for more 'Rareware' games on the Nintendo Online service are in for a treat with this one. Cutting edge graphics and a stunningly sexy rendition of longtime hostess Vanna White combine with buttery smooth game play to help make Wheel Of Fortune a legendary NES title that can stand the test of time.



Where's Waldo? - Bethesda Softworks - (1991)

See where it all began for Bethesda Softworks in regards to absolutely fucking shit graphics. In an era where hard titles are celebrated, dive into an NES game that is challenging beyond belief because the in-game visuals are impossible to comprehend.



NES Cleaning Kit - Nintendo (1989)

Did you really think we'd hang you out to dry again without a little bit of first party magic? Although immediately booting users back to the main system menu when selected, the NES Cleaning Kit is all you're going to fucking get because we simply don't give a shit about you or this crappy service.



What are your favourite games added to the service this month? Don't be afraid to let us know how brave you think Nintendo is to face their detractors head on like this in the comments. 


Remember, the Kyoto company had a rough week greedily announcing the Switch OLED without any performance upgrades and then became blind sided by Valve with their powerful Steam Deck mere days later. How dare the Gabe Boy impede Nintendo's stellar run of milking their customers with minimal value!