Kinect Announced For Xbox Series X


Looking to make amends for their disastrous Series X 'game-play' showcase, Microsoft has announced the return of a mandatory peripheral for their next generation console to excite fans and the media.

Microsoft received criticism from gamers for promising the first comprehensive Xbox Series X game-play footage during their May Inside Xbox episode. Multiple companies had the statement at the forefront of their promotional material, yet when the show premiered, minimal game-play was shown for any title, leaving fans furious.


While we enjoyed Scorn's erecting alien penis, that is not game-play.



 
It appears Microsoft is doing everything they can to rectify their recent failing during this precious Series X pre-launch period, as they've just revealed that a controversial peripheral will be making a return for the next generation — the new and improved Kinect Sensor X.

Xbox spearhead Phil Spencer has more information in his latest press release.

"We couldn't think of a better way to apologise to our amazing fans than to satiate your craving for Xbox Series X news by revealing another piece of the puzzle. A game changing peripheral that you may have seen before, but this time a little bit more powerful and intuitive. Introducing the Kinect Sensor X."

"Kinect Sensor X (SeX, or when combined with the system SeX SeX and internally known as Double Fuck) is definitely not excess stock of the piece of shit peripheral that we failed to shove down your throat during Don Mattrick's reign of terror with an extra X on it."


"An independent inquiry also lead by ex-Xbox CEO Don Mattrick was given the task of figuring out why the perception of the Xbox One was so poor. After several years and a budget of over 300 million USD, the inquiry revealed that too much time was spent on lackluster games and not enough on multi-media properties. The most damning conclusion, was that Kinect's spectacular feature-set was misunderstood and made the Xbox One look like a piece of crap."


Don Mattrick's review was said to be completely impartial.



 
"With these findings in mind we're doubling down on Kinect again, going as far to make it a mandatory part of the experience. Players clearly couldn't grasp the concept of struggling to play games without a controller or irritatingly using the UI with misread hand gestures and voice commands, so we're giving you another chance. Don't worry though, Kinect Sensor X (or Kinky SeX as I like to call it) is as responsive as ever, thanks to an additional 7 1.3mp cameras and 4 microphones harvested from old Motorola Razr flip phones that are better at collecting your data than using it."

"In fact to show our confidence in Double Fuck this time around, we've gone as far to retract our support for any type of traditional controller and bundled the sensor with the console. It may push the retail price of the Series X up from $1200 USD to $1700, but we know once players finally get the SeX SeX in their hands — hypothetically *laughs* — they'll see how intuitive Kinky SeX really is."





 

"Unfortunately to make the new Kinect a reality, we've had to allocate valuable system resources away from the promising SSD technology. We know our wonderful fans wont notice when they're accidentally steering a car into a wall in Forza or constantly sending an AI controlled team-mate to death with their voice in Gears. My personal favourite is turning the Xbox off by mistake before I've saved at a crucial point in a game."

Gamers can expect to see more of Microsoft's studio's and partners utilising the revolutionary Kinect Sensor X technology in all of their games in an upcoming July showcase. We personally can't wait to see the inevitable Crackdown 4 in action. What a system seller that will be!