A clueless infant was brainwashed by mega gaming corporation EA after being the recipient of a Lifetime Achievement Award for spending over US$50,000 on micro-transactions off his father's credit card.
8 year old English native Johnny Adams became an Apex Legends fanatic after being told off by his tough-loving father for touching his beloved Billiards table. With no money in hand and almost all leisure activities banned by his awful step mother, Johnny turned to the free to play game to pass the time. Its deliberately addictive nature began to consume him, turning the naive child to his father's wallet which sat hopelessly on the coffee table. The rest is history.
Instead of reprimanding the account's assets and refunding the credit expenditures when becoming aware of the issue, EA decided to fly little Johnny and his father Gary to their Redwood City, California headquarters to celebrate the achievement.
The two English lads were greeted to a large ceremony filled with EA employees and hosted by CEO Andrew Wilson, who wasted no time giving Johnny a Lifetime Achievement award.
"I've made an immense amount of catastrophic fuck-ups during my tenure here at EA, but your obliviously large financial injections somehow keep me in a job." Said Wilson.
"Today is a celebration of not just you Johnny, but all the other fucking morons who spend thousands of dollars on our extorting games. If it weren't for you people, we wouldn't be able to increase our powerful grip on the more stubborn gamers, who are trying to resist our hostile attempts to ruin their favourite pastime with gambling like mechanics and anti-consumer measures."
"We're presenting this award to your feeble little brain, to ensure you continue to be hooked on our games like a poker machine for the rest of your life. May you spend all of your income — and anyone else's you can leech your grubby little hands on — on our servers for eternity."
Johnny's aggressive father Gary (who speaks with a thick Cockney accent), was less then impressed with the proceedings that occurred over the past several months.
"I fucking hate my son. Stupid little cunt can get the fuck out of my house for good. He's dreaming if he thinks he's coming back with me. EA only paid for a one-way flight, and I don't have enough money for two fares even if I wanted him to come back — which I don't! Crying isn't going to make me change my mind Johnny. Get the fook awae frum mah!"
"Oh, he no longer has a source of money? Noticed Andrew Wilson. "He's worthless to us without a credit card. Guess you'll live on the street now forever Johnny."
"But I asked Santa to get me Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order for Christmas?" Said Johnny, as the crowd began to disband in disappointment of his newly found financial poverty.
"No one here wants you to actually buy that. We're hoping gamers ignore it to give us an excuse to exploit them further. As your deadshit father said, 'Get the fuck owwwtttt!'"
Little Johnny has not been located since receiving his award.
