Steam Deck What? Nintendo Confidently Responds To Valve


Nintendo has sensationally returned serve to Valve's upcoming competing product, the 'Steam Deck' by unveiling a suite of new additions to their system.

The Nintendo Switch is nearing its fifth year on the market. For what was once the hottest piece of portable gaming tech is now starting to show its age. Despite some notable revisions such as increased battery life and an OLED screen, the internals of the Switch are unaltered since launch, allowing for remarkable profitability on every system sold.

This lapse has also allocated Valve an opportunity to pounce into Nintendo's stronghold on the portable market with the Steam Deck — A more powerful device with traditional PC architecture. Not coy being caught with their pants down, Nintendo has swiftly announced another revision to counter Valve's ballsy attempt to be yet another company to do what (yep, you guessed it) Nintendon't.


Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukara has more.

"At Nintendo, we pride ourselves on pristine market awareness which has (and will) guide this traditional Japanese company through the test of time. With Valve's recent announcement of the Steam Deck, our hardware engineers have incorporated 5 new details to ensure our users continue to enjoy the best gaming experience on the market."

"The following state of the art features will immediately ship with every future Nintendo Switch by February 2022:

  •  Extra vent hole to ensure low component temperatures
  •  Plus Minus buttons are a little clickier
  •  Max volume increased by one notch
  •  Stick drift takes a week longer
  •  System stability (harder to jailbreak/hack)"

"We feel these exciting additions more than justify a $100 RRP increase and will also keep those fat fucks at Valve at bay until we release our true successor (Super Switch) with 2022 architecture in 2029."

Since today's announcement, the latest Nintendo Switch revision is already sold out at all retailers, allowing scalpers to offer systems at more than double retail price. Let us know in the comments if you'll also suck the chode of a filthy scalper for another completely unnecessary upgrade like we did.