Bobby Kotick Accepts Role As Director Of Human Resources At Microsoft

Fresh off absorbing several sexual harassment lawsuits by selling Activision Blizzard King for nearly 70 billion USD to Microsoft, Bobby Kotick has accepted a new role within the latest amalgamated juggernaut to grace the industry.


Several sexual harassment lawsuits submitted by the state of California almost landed Bobby Kotick into submission. As CEO of Activision Blizzard King and direct culprit in some of the claims, the company share prices were plummeting through his lack of leadership, leaving the slug no where to run but the hands of a filthily large conglomerate. 


Doing so was not just in the interest of shareholder dividends, but mostly to Kotick himself, allowing the slimy businessman to potentially walkout with hundreds of millions of dollars in benefits — and that's not counting nearly half a billion US dollars in stock Kotick also possesses in the company.


 Innocent until proven guilty.

As many people do in neglected positions of power, Bobby Kotick has fallen further upwards, finding himself granted a lucrative role as director of human resources at Microsoft's newly amalgamated gaming division.

"Who better to look after the wellness of our employees than the most maligned businessman in the industry. You know what they say, people learn best from their mistakes, and Bobby has made all of them. I trust that when presented in a situation where our staff could be manipulated and exploited in either a sexual, mental or physical nature, Kotick will remember to refrain and not engage like he did in the good old days when you could still get away with it. Sigh. I remember those times fondly." — Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella

"I'll see that our employees receive the courtesy they thoroughly deserve. Especially women and minorities." Chuckled Kotick, answering reporters before embarking on a trip to the strip club at 10am on a Tuesday.


"Whether it be on a flight or yacht, in person or via phone call, I'll graciously accommodate everyone with my finest behaviour. Otherwise I'll be discharged with yet another large sum of bonuses, and we wouldn't want that, would we?"

"Okay you fucking pieces of shit, it's now time to listen. I am your god and you'll bow to my demands if you want any success in this company. If I ask you to lick between my toes while I fizz an 8-ball in my mouth, you'll damn well obey. You hear me, slut????"

Yes master.