Incredible Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC Characters Announced!!!


Earlier today Nintendo revealed via their official webpage that 4 brand new characters will be arriving to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe through paid DLC coming later this month. The unexpected news has been met with a surprising amount of fanfare despite the content appearing to be rather lackluster, as it appears many Nintendo fans are now experiencing unprecedented levels of a condition known as "Fanboy High". The said condition is likely permeating from the runaway success of the Nintendo Switch over the past 6 months and is not looking to be contained any time soon.

The 4 characters included in the DLC pack are:
Abandoned Baby Shy Guy, Third Place Loser Mario (Bronze), Retarded, Overweight Paratroopa & Pathetic Sprinkler F.L.U.D.D.

Reggie Fils-Aime has released a statement to accompany the announcement:
When we were looking at attempting to add value to the already packed content inside Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, we asked ourselves; "What do our fans really want?" The answer was simple. More drivers that no-one will ever select except the CPU. When you analyse our selection of characters chosen for the upcoming DLC pack, you'll notice the tender love and care we have placed into all 4 considerations.

We have confidence that our fans will be very pleased. Not necessarily because of what we have compiled for the DLC, but because we know they're all super glazed by "Fanboy High" from our dominating success with the Nintendo Switch over the past 6 months. At this point until Super Mario Odyssey releases, we understand that we'll be given full benefit of the doubt over our business decisions, so we've decided as a company to milk a little bit of the sweet milk straight from the tits of the chubby cash cow and make a little bit of easy money from our stupid cunt fans. There's nothing better than releasing a needless and unwanted DLC with a dangling cash carrot over the top of it. Our fans just wont be able to resist it and the added revenue will help make my moneybag testicles drag along the ground from being too heavy. It's going to be great!

To prove a point on just how fucking genius our selections are for the DLC component, I'm going to emphasise heavily on each one:

Baby Shy Guy: Holy shit. This one is just such a brilliant selection. Since Double Dash people have been complaining about our inclusion of pathetic baby renditions of characters, and they didn't think the bar could sink any lower than Baby Daisy. Well think again! We extensively  utilised a computer algorithm to find the most lifeless character in the Super Mario Series; one which had absolutely no fanfare and the conclusion was Shy Guy. The obvious decision from here was to combine him into a baby and that is how the offspring of the hermaphrodite character was born.

Bronze Mario: People were making smart-ass remarks like "God. What will they pick next? Bronze Mario?" Well yes you fucking assholes, Bronze Mario IS NEXT!! What are you going to do about it???

Paratroopa: This was the first character picked for selection. Initially, we searched though every single Mario character side by side and were looking for the most incremental difference between all of them. After a stern analysis by our imprisoned game testers in our underground bunker at Nintendo's United States headquarters we found that Paratroopa was the answer. A couple of shitty wings on the back of the model is the only difference between the already included Koopa. (excluding the colour of the shell) We also felt bad that Koopa was the only character throwing its own species limbs around as weapons on the track (better than eating them like that fucked up cannibal Toad at least) and just felt the game balance was better with a Paratroopa included. However at the very last minute, one of our slaves found a retarded obese variant from Super Mario RPG and we had no choice but to put that spastic rendition in instead.

F.L.U.D.D: I don't think decisions get any easier than this one. Super Mario Sunshine is by far the least favourite Mainline Mario game in the series for most fans, and F.L.U.D.D is also one of the most universally hated characters. Bam. The piece of shit sprinkler was included.

If you're wondering if I'm worried about any backlash from our fans over this snarky little press release, well the answer is a stern no. Like I said earlier, they are all fucking high from us releasing a novel piece of hardware, Zelda, Mario Kart, Splatoon, ARMS and the upcoming motherfucking Mario Odyssey within the first fucking year. That shit is unprecedented.

To prove my point on their disillusionment. Even though I've lied to them several (and I mean several) times over my ultimate reign of terror, they somehow believe that we are going to plentifully stock the SNES Classic. Fucking idiots!!
This fan has been diagnosed with a textbook case of "Fanboy High"

 When Era Error first saw the news on the upcoming DLC we were mighty pissed off at just how fucking shit it appeared to be, but after staring at our game collection and seeing an NES & SNES Classic, Zelda, Mario Kart & Splatoon sitting there next to a Mario Odyssey preorder receipt, we are now absolutely pumped up to race as Bronze Mario and think the move is an incredible game changer which will change the very foundation of Mario Kart upon its release. My body is ready Reggie. Penetrate it!!

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe DLC pack 1 releases in North America on the 13th October, 2017 for US$40. That's only $10 per character! Fuck yeah!!!