Goldeneye Speedrunner Uncovers Game Changing Glitch

A member of the infamous Goldeneye 007 Speed running community has uncovered a groundbreaking glitch which will alter the way players embark on world record attempts forever. KLOBBer Lang has stated that the glitch - which he's coined as giving an "Oddjob" - can halve the time elapsed on any stage and any difficulty if completed correctly.

The technique required to pull off an "Oddjob" is not an easy feat however, and it will no doubt challenge some of the most hardcore elite players on the leaderboards with its elaborate execution within an already strenuous and calculated speedrun environment. 

It's also proving to be highly controversial, with high members of council from - Goldeneye and Perfect Dark's speedrunning governing body - rigorously debating the legality of the maneuver as it could be considered outside the "spirit" of the community. This is largely due to the extreme nature required for its execution.

It may sound crazy for a glitch to be considered taboo within a niche competition which utilises bugs and glitches constantly for positive effect, but once the procedure is explained in its entirety, the reasons become apparent. We've taken an excerpt from one of KLOBBer Lang's posts on The Elite forums which explains giving an "Oddjob" in its entirety.

Before I dive into how to give an Oddjob, let me set the scene of the glitch's discovery.

It was early Wednesday morning, around 04:30AM and I was huddled downstairs in my Mum's basement. (Yeah I'm 37 years old. What of it!?) She had already come down 5 times that night due to my psychotic tantrums after being raped by a fucking cunt guard who kept straifing me while attempting 00 Agent Aztec.  I don't work work and have been unemployed for 5 years since the plague known as Speed Running diseased my life, but I knew if I managed a few untied WR's to my name on the leaderboards, I could become sponsored for my degenerate gaming skills by Mountain Dew just like Little Billy Jones. So I persevered.

KLOBBer Lang's Mum's basement. Goldeneye speed runners prefer to shit on the floor rather than in a toilet to maximise productivity.
I decided to try a different level as I wanted to be a legend, so I embarked to become the fucking king and achieve Streets 1:10 like a boss! Unfortunately the game decided to throat fuck me and the last guard didn't spawn with a grenade launcher so I couldn't boost to victory.  This triggered me like nothing else and I went absolutely fucking insane in the basement to the point of blacking out in rage and not able to remember what I'd done during the tantrum. This is when I realised something incredible. Somehow. Some way, I had beaten the world record for Streets Agent. Not by a second, but by a whole 35 seconds. It was mental!

Luckily I live-streamed the whole ordeal in front of a few online creeps and was able to re-watch and document the entire thing for you today. It turns out that during my childish escapade, I actually restarted the level while the controller was in my hand. Without my knowledge I triggered an unknown glitch which freezes the timer for an entire second, every two seconds. This resulted in my accidental tantrum time of 112 seconds finishing at 36 seconds. You're going to be overwhelmed by what's required to replicate the glitch but I think you'll all agree that there's nothing we all wouldn't sacrifice to see our names untied on the top of a leaderboard.

Just for clarification, I replicated the following instructions several times to success. I can't stress enough that it will only work if you complete EVERY step authentically with no room for error.

Before you begin you'll specifically need the following setup in place:
1. A Japanese launch model Nintendo 64 console [NUS-001 (JPN)] and a second release Japanese Goldeneye 007 cartridge. [NUS-NGEJ-JPN 1] It will not work under any other conditions.
2. A yellow controller plugged into the first port, a gold controller in port 2 and a transparent purple controller plugged into port 3. These controllers have specific characteristics in their circuitry which trigger abnormal elements in the game.
3. The white composite audio plug needs to be unplugged.
4. Control scheme 2.4 Goodhead must be used.

The following tasks must be completed in order and in real-time while also trying to complete your speed run.
1. Hold up on the d-pad of controller 3 while selecting "Start Mission".
2. Circle anti-clockwise repeatedly on controller 1 as fast as you can before the camera zooms into bond's head to begin the mission. The control stick has to be completely fucked and unusable to progress further into the glitch. This adds another huge handicap to the gameplay as you'll be unable to look and turn.
3. Immediately progress to smashing controller 3 into the ground until there's visible screen tearing on the display. When the controller hits the floor and is smashed to pieces, the computer chip short circuits and alters data while the game is live. I find that holding the cord and using it to propel the controller into the ground like a nunchuk is the most effective method of replicating this consistently.

The next components are the most critical to the whole ordeal and the reason the glitch is called"Giving an Oddjob".

1. Take controller 1 and shove the middle handle firmly up your anus to the point that the Z-button is completely pressed. Proceed to then shove controller 2's right handle inside your mouth and press your teeth aggressively against the A & B buttons respectively. I find that inserting a rumble pak into each controller's accessory port makes this step one of the most pleasurable.

2. Now flip the console onto its back with the game cartridge still in its slot but wedged firmly on the floor. Proceed to remove the external accessory port cover. Spit into the terminal, grab a paperclip and wedge it between pins 4 & 6 until sparks begin to fly. 

The sacrifice for success

3. Flip the console back over and remove the Goldeneye cartridge while the power is still on. Pull your pants down and rub the head of your dick into the port to stimulate the terminals. (If you're a female, a dildo will suffice)

4. Slam the cartridge back into the slot as hard as you can to bend the pins and then throw the console into your piece of shit CRT TV and crack the screen in the most satisfying rage destruction you've ever felt. The game will then notify you that you are absolutely fucked up and have completely corrupted the data within the game engine.

After this point you are free to complete your run without any distractions. Unfortunately I've tried to remove some of the more extreme steps noted above without success. An "Oddjob" has to be completed in its entirety - paying particular attention to detail with inserting those controller handles into your orifices.  Thank me later cunts. 

KLOBBer Lang in-stream chucking the tantrum leading to the "Oddjob".

We felt that the strategy above seemed a little lewd and eccentric, but all of the staff here at Era Error can confirm that the "Oddjob" is 100% authentic and effective. We now own the untied WR on Dam Agent!

KLOBBer Lang has since posted on the Perfect Dark forums stating that he is now experimenting with performing different types of erotica with the game and console in an attempt to replicate a similar glitch on that platform as it shares the same game engine. Follow Era Error or Pornhub for more developments on that story.

DISCLAIMER: We have the utmost respect for members of the Goldeneye Speed Running community. Sometimes (like this case) ridicule is the biggest gesture of endearment. Oh and yes we are seriously fucked in the head!