Goldeneye Speedrunner Uncovers Game Changing Glitch

A Goldeneye 007 Speed runner has uncovered a groundbreaking glitch which will alter the way players embark on world record attempts forever.

Speed runner 'KLOBBer Lang' is the man behind the discovery — which he's coined as giving an 'Oddjob' — and claims the technique can halve the time elapsed on any stage and any difficulty if completed correctly.

An 'Oddjob' is no easy feat however, and will challenge even the elite players on the leaderboards with its elaborate execution in an already strenuous and calculated environment. It's also proving to be highly controversial, with moderators from (Goldeneye & Perfect Dark's largest speed running community) rigorously debating the legality and spirit of the maneuver as it requires incredibly extreme measures.

It may sound crazy for a glitch to be considered taboo within a niche competition that constantly utilises the engine's flaws for positive gain, but once the procedure is explained, the reasons become apparent.

We've taken a 'KLOBBer Lang' post from The-Elite forums which explains the 'Oddjob' discovery in its entirety.

"It was 04:30AM, Wednesday morning and I was huddled in my Mum's basement. (Yeah I'm 37 years old. What of it?) She had already come down 4 times that night due to my psychotic tantrums after being raped while attempting the impossible Streets Agent record. I've been unemployed for 5 years since the plague known as Speed Running diseased my life, but I knew if I managed a few untied World Records, I could become sponsored for my degenerate gaming skills by Mountain Dew, so I persevered."

KLOBBer's Mum's basement. Goldeneye speed runners shit on the floor to maximise productivity.

"96 hours with zero sleep and 43 bags of Dorito's later, the game finally fucked me into a rage so deep, I blacked out without recollection. When I woke, I realised something incredible. Somehow. Some way. I had beaten the world record for Streets Agent by a whole 35 seconds. It was mental!"

"Luckily I live-streamed the ordeal so I was able to document the process. It turns out that during my childish escapade, I accidentally restarted the level and triggered an unknown glitch which freezed the timer every two seconds. This cut my tantrum time in half. You'll be overwhelmed by what's required to replicate the glitch but there's nothing we all wouldn't sacrifice to see our names untied on the top of a leaderboard."

"Just for clarification, I repeated the following instructions several times to success. I can't stress enough that it will only work if you complete EVERY step authentically with no room for error."

"Before you begin you'll specifically need the following setup in place:"

"1. A Japanese launch model Nintendo 64 [NUS-001 (JPN)] and a second release Japanese Goldeneye 007 cartridge [NUS-NGEJ-JPN 1].
2. A yellow controller plugged into port 1, a gold controller in port 2 and a transparent purple controller plugged into port 3. These controllers have specific characteristics in their circuitry which trigger abnormal elements in the game.
3. The white composite audio plug needs to be unplugged.
4. Control scheme 2.4 Goodhead must be used."

"The following tasks must be completed in order, in real-time while speed running:"

"1. Hold up on the d-pad of controller 3 while selecting 'Start Mission'.
2. Circle anti-clockwise repeatedly on controller 1 as fast as you can before the camera zooms into Bond's head to begin the mission. The control stick has to be completely fucked and unusable to progress and you'll be unable to look and turn.
3. Smash controller 3 into the ground until there's visible screen tearing on the TV. When the controller is smashed to pieces, the computer chip shorts and alters the game data."

"The next components are the most critical and why the glitch is called"Giving an Oddjob:"

"1. Take controller 1 and shove the middle handle firmly up your anus until the Z-button is completely pressed. Proceed to shove controller 2's right handle inside your mouth and press your teeth aggressively against the A & B buttons respectively. I find that inserting a rumble pak into each controller's accessory port makes this step one of the most pleasurable.
2. Now flip the console onto its back with the game cartridge wedged inside. Remove the accessory port cover. Spit into the terminal, then grab a paperclip and jam it between pins 4 & 6 until sparks fly."

The sacrifice for success

"3. Remove the cartridge while the power is still on. Pull your pants down and rub the head of your dick into the port to stimulate the terminals. (If you're female, a dildo will suffice)
4. Slam the cartridge back in as hard as you can and throw the console into your piece of shit CRT TV and crack the screen in the most satisfying rage destruction you've ever felt. The game will then notify you that you are absolutely fucked up and have corrupted the game data." 

"Congratulations, you've now fucked yourself and saved half the time."

KLOBBer Lang in-stream chucking the tantrum leading to the "Oddjob".

We felt that the strategy above seemed a little lewd and eccentric, but everyone here at Era Error can confirm that the 'Oddjob' is 100% effective, and enjoyable.

KLOBBer Lang now states he is experimenting with different types of erotica to replicate a similar glitch in Perfect Dark, which shares the same proprietary engine. Follow Era Error or Pornhub for more developments on that story.

DISCLAIMER: We have the utmost respect for members of the Goldeneye Speed Running community. Sometimes (like this case) ridicule is the biggest gesture of endearment.