Nintendo Counters Palworld - Adds Weapons To Pokemon & Partners With NRA

Since Palworld's early access release, the gaming world has eagerly awaited Nintendo's reply to the controversial title, as its colourful yet violent 'Pals' share a striking resemblance to those of Nintendo's infamous family friendly Pokemon franchise. We now have that response.

Pokemon — Pocket Monsters. Gameboy prolonger. Anime. Cards. Merch. Trillions in sales. Games with varying degrees of quality. A cultural phenomenon. Never heard of it? Get off of our property!

If you haven't enlightened yourself about Palworld's existence, we can forgive, but not forget. Also known as 'Pokemon with guns', Palworld is literally that, with a few auxiliaries — an Unreal Engine 4 rendered open world, base-building mechanics, and a little dose of ARK sprinkled with satirical tones on top. 

Upon the game's reveal in 2021, gamers noticed the similarities of Palworld's designs to Pokemon immediately, adding immense notoriety and anticipation. Palworld would lay dormant in our consciousness until just last week, when the early access version finally released to the masses, selling 7 million copies in just five days. 

People clearly bloodlust to see Pokemon brutally murdered. After nearly 30 years of frustration with those damn little capsule monsters? I aint' 'Missingno' satisfaction.

Push me and then just touch me. Till I can get my. Satisfaction.

The expectation was that once Palworld released, Nintendo's infamous lawyers would inflict colossal legal violence and submit the developers into financial oblivion. Nintendo has attacked lower hanging fruit in the past, whether it be unsolicited not for profit fan games or even simple modifications to existing ROM files. There was no way those violent depictions of murder to borderline patent infringing monsters would not come with punishment.

To the shock of all, Nintendo has taken an ulterior approach to countering Palworld's prolific success. Not one to be 1UP'd (I'm not sorry) by a company with a cooler edge like Sega & Sony did in the 90's, Nintendo has decided 'If you can't beat them, join them'.

"After much deliberation, the matter has been assigned exclusively to Nintendo of America (NOA), as their understanding of violent gun culture is far superior to what our primitive minds in Japan can comprehend. North America knows how to make better first person shooters for a reason." Said a gutless Nintendo of Japan spokesperson who decided to remain anonymous.

"Everyone knows that the only way to protect yourself is with guns, and that's exactly what we're doing with our Pokemon IP." Said NOA president Doug Bowser.

"Once given the direction, I had no hesitation creating an unprecedented partnership with our friends at the NRA to develop a cohesive plan to deal with this Palworld problem once and for all."

"The NRA made the solution obvious. Trying to prohibit a problem simply does not work and any contrary evidence is fake news. Aggression must be met with aggression. The only way to counter guns, is with more guns."

"Kids have been shooting up schools for decades and are completely desensitised to violence, so the potential blowback to adding weapons to Pokemon in 2024 was negligible. Strategically depicting a Meowth using an AK47 to graphically blow the brains out of a pathetic Lamball establishes to children who's the undisputed dominant property of make-believe creatures, leaving no room for imitators."

"We haven't forgotten our morals of course. Pokemon still won't fuck each other, swear, or saying anything bad about religion, as that's far, far more disgusting."

"The first game to incorporate this new era of violence is Pokemon: Final Snap. Still lots of shooting, just without a camera. An adolescent Pikachu succumbs to mental anguish and has no choice but to cleanse their opposition — collateral damage irrelevant."

 The ESRB has given the game an 'E for everyone' rating

Are we actually surprised that a man with the surname of a notorious animated villain, who actively pursued to be the CEO of that company, is a loose unit? Well at least he isn't running for President of the United States... yet.