The majority of Nintendo's video game properties are sternly family oriented
and generally fit for consumption by all ages. This led to the presumption
that their upcoming feature film, The Super Mario Bros. movie — based off the
beloved video game franchise first spawned in the early 1980's — would be no
different.
This week's 'Nintendo Direct' (solely devoted to the movie) proved otherwise,
proudly proclaiming that Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto's latest creation
would receive an illusive, yet incredibly restrictive R rating.
An online ratings listing reveals a sample of vulgar themes viewers can
expect:
"Adult activity. Adult themes. Hard language. Intense violence. Sexually-oriented nudity. Rape Scenes. Drug abuse. Chris Pratt. Plus much more!
It appears Bob Hoskin's behaviour on set while playing the role of Mario in
1993's live action Super Mario Bros film was an accurate depiction of
the character.
Shigeru Miyamoto has released a statement to justify the direction, which
seems to counter-intuitively segregate a vast proportion of the fanbase.
"We have the most devoted fans in the world and I know they'll have no
trouble smuggling their children into the theatre if it means my artistic
vision isn't compromised. They need to learn about the birds and the bees
some day. Or in this case, Daisy being stung by Wario and Waluigi while 40+
cuckold Toads watch on in amazement."
"Besides, when the film is released to streaming services, their feeble
brains can be infinitely subjected to intense moments. Like when their beloved Yoshi is
eaten alive by a pack of Dry Bones, or perhaps my personal favourite, when
Professor E.Gadd accidentally starts to overdose on POW and can't climb out
of the bathtub."
"The R-Rating simply suits the demographic. The vast majority of our audience are gamers who we shielded from the vulgarity of life with our charming NES games of the 80's, only for them to witness movies
like Aliens and Robocop at the same time. They've all grown up to be a
bunch of fucked up people despite our best efforts, so why hold back now?"
— Laughed Shiggy.
"My whole career I was hounded to make more mature content. Well now we
have Chris Pratt, Charlie Day and Anya Taylor Joy committing mass culling of
reptiles while under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms. Anyone else
have any bright ideas for me to close out my career with? I want to go out
with a bang!"
I can't believe the audacity of Miyamoto's remarks. I grew up playing his
video games and I turned out just fine. Oh wait, I run this screwed up
website, don't I?
