Moron Kicked Out For Holding Nintendo 64 Controller Wrong


A local numpty is now permanently banned from a Barcade after they were cluelessly caught holding a Nintendo 64 controller wrong.

Back in the 90's, the intelligence of a human being was clearly distinguishable by their instincts of how to hold the N64 controller. If it was incomprehensible to understand that the design doesn't expect all three handles to be held at once, that person would be legally diagnosed as suffering from learning disabilities. Thankfully human ingenuity has eradicated such implicit impulses.

Unfortunately society has a habit of finding ways to unpredictably disgust us all. Just when we thought we were all past the confusion in regards to holding the 3 pronged Nintendo 64 controller correctly, some space cadet has to open up old wounds a mere 25 years past the console's original release.



The correct way to operate a Nintendo 64 controller.



"I first became concerned when the moron made what I perceived to be a joke about requiring 3 hands to hold the controller during our mundane Mario Kart 64 tournament that we host weekly to ensure simpletons continue to throw money into our business." Said Axel Hunter, owner of Rage Quit Barcade, located in the dodgiest but cheapest part of town.



"He then nervously smiled and insisted he knew what he was doing. I wish that meant holding the left and right handles simultaneously — I'd still kick the loser out, but it sure would've been a hell of a lot better than the heinous act we all had to endure."

"The craziest thing was that he still managed to finish in first place. Not sure what that speaks about the ability of our other patrons or if they were all just really fucked up at that point, but I sure hope it didn't give other people ideas about trying to flick the bean of the N64 controller's expansion slot... among other things."



"I'll leave the rest up to your own imagination, although I will say the culprit was strangely thankful when told he could take the violated controller with him when I kicked him the fuck out of here."



Mr Willows also noted that 4 rumble paks were unaccounted for at the end of the night, which he suggests is no coincidence. He also expressed his grave concerns for when the Zoomer generation starts turning up at his bar but that's a crisis for another day.