Sony's Plan With PS5 Is To Do Sweet Fuck All

As the Playstation 5's unoriginal new logo permeates through the gaming world, Sony have made their next generation strategy abundantly clear — sit tight and watch Microsoft self destruct.

Microsoft touted their agenda early during the Xbox One's pre-launch. Pushing an under-powered, over-priced system paired with an unwanted peripheral, along with anti-consumer measures and an alienating focus on mainstream media, their blueprint proved immensely unpopular with the gaming community.

With nothing but the PS4's fundamentals revealed at that point, Sony was able to lambast their direct competitor, taunting basic gaming features with minimal effort like the ability to play PS4 discs without restriction, inevitably winning the generation with ease.

The company is hoping to take the same approach with the PS5, as PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan explains.

"We planned to push all of the same anti-consumer shit for the PS4 that Microsoft did — minus a retarded peripheral like Kinect of course — we just hadn't revealed them yet. To our surprise, Xbox's CEO Don Mattrick couldn't wait to announce those features first, which backfired horribly and is now regarded as one of the greatest gaming shit-shows of all time."

"It was a beautiful moment. Like watching the person you despise the most brag about their new house, only for them to inadvertently light it on fire and burn it down for all to witness."

"By the time E3 came along, any evidence of our identical 'always online' DRM strategy was secretly destroyed, allowing us to kick Microsoft as hard as we could while they were down."

Even Xbox fans enjoyed Don Mattrick getting kicked in the balls.

"Our familiar PS5 logo is ensuring history will repeat itself. While we stick to our strategy of incredibly efficient hardware and a plethora of AAA games, Microsoft is running their dirty mouth's again early, revealing a dumb name, no exclusive games and a bunch of dumb promises. It just couldn't get any better."

"Don't get me wrong, we also have a bunch of fucked up money making schemes up our sleeve to extort gamers, but that's a grenade the Xbox Series X can take the brunt of first to lessen the blow. Greatness Awaits... after Microsoft's mistakes."