Billy Mitchell - The Tell All Interview

Recently disgraced psychopath and official Lance Armstrong of retro video games, Billy Mitchell has revealed the 'truth' behind his embarrassing fall from grace for the first time.

We invited the creep to our office, where he detailed his disturbing faults in their entirety.

EE: Thanks for coming, cheat.

BM: Are you disrespecting me? I am your master.

Billy Mitchell. Definitely not a methed up version of Jesus Christ.

  EE: Don't try your psychotic mental tricks with us, we don't have any brain cells to brainwash.

BM: Oh really? Take a sip of my world famous hot sauce.

EE: Nah, we heard it was fucking shit.

BM: I command you to try it!

EE: Alright. *oh shit*

This prick is just a natural at getting his way.

  BM: Now, listen to me. I was set up. There is no irrefutable proof that I ever cheated. It was that fucking inbred Steve Wiebe who set me up.

EE: We thought you were here to confess, not deny the obvious truth again. Also, you bloody drugged us!!

BM: I am here to reveal the truth of something a little bit more sinister. However, as I've chosen the least credible gaming outlet known to existence, no one will believe your story. Have you ever wondered why Nintendo has never re-released the original Donkey Kong since its inception on arcade boards?

EE:  ...

BM: Wake up! *clicks fingers* - Now, look at my grave secret. Mwahahahahahaha!!!

  EE: Holy shit, have you kidnapped the original Donkey Kong?

BM: Everyone thinks that Cranky Kong from the Donkey Kong Country series is the original DK, but that's just another big, fat Ninkuntdo lie. He's a clone. Truth is, I fucking kidnapped the King Kong rip-off in 1982 for Universal and it became the plot for Donkey Kong Jr. It always seemed a bit strange that Mario was the villain didn't it? That's because it was me! No one could ever reach the kill screen of DK Jr. either, because the plot never ended.

EE: What in the actual fuck. Why have you held Donkey Kong in captivity for 36 years you scumbag?

Also, your hair smells putrid by the way. You seriously need some fucking Head and Shoulders to get rid of that dandruff!

Billy attributes the daily application of hot sauce & parmesan sprinkles to his scalp for his wonderful hair.

  BM: I'm Billy Mitchell and that is enough...

EE: Yes, we know who you are cunt.

BM: Silence! Now, my plans are pretty obvious you fucking retards. If Nintendo isn't able to re-release the original arcade version on modern hardware without OG DK, it's easier for me to withhold information and come up with excuses for why I can't replicate my Donkey Kong world records in public. It's allowed me to claim obviously fake records with dodgy VHS footage and other means over the past 4 decades.

EE: But you've been ousted as a fraud. We just thought your disgusting sloth haircut and over-confident, rapey demeanor would've been enough to prove it. However, several key people in the retro community have gathered proven evidence to your cheating. Every single one of your records have been stripped by Twin Galaxies and the Guinness Book Of Records. You're a filthy disgrace to gaming.

Which begs the question. Why keep the original Donkey Kong in Captivity?

BM: You're exactly right. There's absolutely no reason to keep DK in captivity any more. I'm going to set him free...

  EE: Yep. Ok. That just totally happened. Can we go now?

BM: I am the king of kong!!!!!!!

EE: Whatever dude.

As we casually walked away safely from the horrid scenario thanks to all of the ammo being used on DK, Billy Mitchell threw a bunch of random VHS tapes at us that he claimed exonerated him from his several acts of cheating. We grabbed one, immediately took it back to our office as we have an abundance of tape players that we steal off crack-head homeless people and witnessed its content. Unfortunately the tape only contained incredibly graphic footage of two apes fucking each other. Our accountant decided to stay back after hours to study it for 'hidden clues' but we're pretty sure he just wanted to jerk off to it.

With the harsh realisation that Billy Mitchell brutally murdered the original Donkey Kong, we all need to accept that an arcade perfect port of 1981's Donkey Kong will never come to fruition from Nintendo.

RIP Kunko Donk.