Super Mario Fans Possessed after Odyssey's Release

Super Mario fans from the world over are currently finding themselves in a strange state of suspended animation after the release of the critically acclaimed Nintendo Switch title Super Mario Odyssey on Friday. Players who inserted the cartridge into their console (handheld? who cares, calm down!) and witnessed its wonderful pixels on display with their own eyes are yet to stop playing and are now showing strange symptoms which could very well be reminiscent of the infamous video game myth 'Polybius'.

WARNING: Satire contains explicit language and themes.

There are thousands of reports circulating on multiple social media platforms from people associated with gamers currently playing Odyssey which are concerning. Almost all seem to be disclosing their fears that their loved one's habits and mannerism's have now completely changed since they started entertaining themselves with the plumber's  dole bludger's latest adventure and don't appear to be resetting back to normal anytime soon.

Era Error reached out to one of those concerned users for more information on this alarming development:

"Ever since my husband turned on the latest Mario game on Friday he has not left his position on the couch for anything. Not to eat, not to shit, nothing!" - said NaggingWife_75.

"As soon as Mario Squealed 'Super Mario Odyssssseeeeyyyy!!' at the start screen in Charles Martinet's super cringey, squeaky tone, he was a completely different person. Before that moment he was my loving partner of 22 years. After? A slave to the video game and nothing else! He won't recognise anyone else in the room or take his eyes away from the screen. It's just absurd. I think he's been brainwashed!"

"All he does now is constantly praise Super Mario Odyssey and Nintendo to an unhealthy degree while playing which is fucking disturbing to witness coming out of someone who's a full grown man. In fact, I wrote one of brash statements down:

'I've been waiting for this game since Super Mario 64 and it's delivered. It's the best game ever made. I can't believe how good it is! Holy hell it's so god damn good! The controls! The environment! The animations! The colour! Mario looks so god damn good! The environments are huge! Jesus christ I can turn into that? Man this world is huge! Wow I didn't know I could do that!  Aww this game controls so well! Look at that boss! Damn dude how did those Jap's make this run on a handheld!? I don't even mind the forced motion controls! Bro each world has a map like a tourist pamphlet! Koopa offering a type of race in the first main level like it should???? These guys are the best!!!! This is the best moment of my life!' - "It just went on and on."

"The most alarming thing he said was: 'I don't even care if this game doesn't have mushrooms in it which is an absolute cardinal sin to the Mario universe. This game is just that good!!'"

"As the day turned into evening and the time stretched into the early morning, his peculiarity started to become more aggressive in it's positivity:

'Fuck yes cunt this fucking game is the fucking shit! Fuck my wedding, the Peach/Bowser one is the only one for me! Fuck my kids and family, they're a bunch of fucking losers!!Fuck yeah Nintendo you fucking legends! This my fucking dream come true! No one can doubt the fucking legend that is this game! Fuck you Sony! Fuck you Microsoft! Fuck you PC cunts! I can't believe this game fucking exists holy fucking shit!!! ODDDDDYYYYSSSSEEEEEYYYYYY YA SEEE YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! THIS IS THE FUCKING PINNACLE!! FIGHT ME IF YOU DISAGREE! YOU WANNA FUCKING GO CUNT!! MARIO IS MA BOY AND I'LL DEFEND HIM WITH MY LIFE!!!!'

"He then turned to me and slammed his NES Classic Mini into the ground as he said it was now as worthless as me and told me to get the fuck out of the room. I initially obliged but I then decided to start spying on him to document his actions to share with the world instead."

"After that confrontation, (which was only a few hours ago actually) he immediately made Mario run into a Crazy Cap store and selected his swimmer costume which consists of board shorts and nothing else. My husband then proceeded to pull his pants down and started to masturbate over it. 'I've finally seen Mario's Nipples for the first time in 32 years. Oh yeah!!!!!' He screamed while performing the deed. I left the house in disgust and decided to go for a walk to clear my head."

Moments before some vigorous Masturbation.

 "It's at this point I realised that my domestic incident was not an isolated problem. I decided to walk through my local park (the time was roughly 5am Saturday morning) and there was probably about 100 people in there playing their Nintendo Switch's individually with their shirts off yelling 'Odyssey, Ya See!!!'. It was like something out of Twin Peaks and I had a nervous breakdown"

"I ran back to my house and straight past my husband (I'll spare you the details of what he was doing to himself with the HD Rumble) so I could log onto the computer to see if anyone else had posted about having a similar encounter elsewhere. The internet was littered with responses! I decided to do some further digging on the matter and I was startled to find some very lewd information. Apparently, the alleged company behind the mythical video game Polybius from the early 1980's - Sinneslöschen - is listed in Odyssey's credits. Polybius is a rumoured video game who's contents was said to be capable of brainwashing its user, and was linked to the US government. This would certainly explain the behaviour of all the people I witnessed in the morning. The same thing must be happening here."

Unfortunately for NaggingWife_75, she forgot to put any clothes on before her walk in the park.

"I decided to sleep on it and see how things shaped up in the morning. Maybe I was just in a shitty dream like Mario was in the pathetic story of Doki Doki Panic! (Mario 2) When I woke up this morning my husband was still playing Odyssey. He hadn't slept. I asked him how he was feeling and he told me: 'Hey I'm fine. I heard you thought I was brainwashed from the game. What a fucking stupid thought that is! Everyone playing the game right now is just having a great time. We've all been waiting for a true 3D Mario experience of this caliber for 20 years! We all just wanted to be left alone. That's why you encountered all those people in the street. They were trying to get away from their loved ones who kept bugging them to stop playing when they didn't want to. No brainwashing!'"

"This statement left me a little confused as it didn't explain my husband's rude actions towards me if he wasn't brainwashed to which he replied 'Oh I just fucking hate you and I've been waiting years to finally show it. You are a control freak and constant nagger and I've had enough. Super Mario Odyssey gave me the courage to finally say 'Here we go, off the rails. Don't you know it's time to raise our sails. It's freedom like you never knew. Don't need bags, or a pass. Say the word I'll be there in a flash. You could say my hat is off to you....' I'm leaving you and I'm now dating Princess Pauline. Did you know she's back and the Mayor of New Donk City? She's so hot! Damzel in distress no more. I could fuck up Donkey Kong if he came back anyway. Odyssey, ya See! Fuck yeah I love that game! It's the best game ever! Waited 20 years for it! Mario fucking rules..."

"Despite my (soon to be ex) Husband's assurance that he's not brainwashed, I feel like I may have just dodged a Bullet Bill. This unexpected divorce might very well be the best thing for me! Fuck that loser. Who gets excited for a Mario game when they're older than 12 years old?"

This Era Error journalist happens to be a very excited Mario fan at the ripe old age of 25. As such, I would like to congratulate the husband of this story on a happy divorce. You made the right decision mate. Odyssey, ya see! Odyssey, ya see! Fuck what a brilliant game Super Mario Odyssey is, don't you think? Cappy is just the sickest! The levels! The details! The controls! The...