Playtonic Announces Perfect Dark -1


Fresh off blatantly trying to plagiarise an old video game franchise that many of their staff members directly worked on previously with another company, Playtonic has this time learnt their lesson and purchased an IP from that same company (Rare) and developing a game directly with it instead. The purchased IP? None other than Perfect Dark.

In a lengthy post on their official website, Playtonic reveals that they were initially developing a Perfect Dark clone called 'Precise Light' simultaneously with  Banjo-Kazooie Yooka-Laylee using the same processes. Previously Microsoft would not grant Playtonic the rights to develop a new Banjo Kazooie game as their first party company Rare was already assigned with the task, only to abruptly cancel the title before it was even announced. Having already faced a negative experience trying to create business with Microsoft's seemingly dormant IP's, Playtonic did not bother to enquire about the possibility of using the Perfect Dark franchise for themselves.



As Playtonic's managing director David Price explains, it was Microsoft themselves who approached them about not just using Perfect Dark for our own video game title, but to purchase the IP as well:

"We were progressing through the first stages of development for Precise Light in 2015 when we received a random conference call from Rare studio director Craig Duncan and none other than Microsoft's Bill Gates. Duncan had heard rumours about Playtonic embarking on making a PD clone and he had notified Bill Gates of the news. The Xbox brand was taking an absolute battering from the market due to a ridiculous amount of stupid business decisions at that time and Gates was incredibly keen to shed some dead-weight from the company. In his eyes, Perfect Dark was the perfect candidate for a sale. The following is all in Bill Gates words:"

'I heard you second rate discards from our shitty Kinect Kuntpany want to purchase that pathetic Perfect Dark IP from us. Well lucky for you we don't want that piece of fucking shit anymore after Rare destroyed it with Zero so you can have it... for a small fee. You have to give us Xbox One exclusivity for the next game in the series you make hahahahahaha!!! What do you say cunts?'

"Bill had CC'd me in an e-mail which contained a document of the Xbox exclusivity contract and I decided to skim through the fine print. To my surprise, the term 'Xbox One exclusive' only meant that a game can only be released on the Xbox One platform and not the 360 or OG Xbox. We're actually free to release a Perfect Dark title on any other company's hardware including Sony and Nintendo. So of course I said yes. Bill then started to laugh at me and told me to 'suck shit' and 'get fucked' as he ended the conference call while lighting a bunch of $100 Bills on fire. A couple of minutes later, the paperwork came through and we were free to use the Perfect Dark franchise as we pleased. I almost felt bad for Bill as this appeared to be another retarded business decision regarding Xbox by Microsoft, but I think he has that much money that he doesn't even care."

Gates also said that he donates to charities to waste money for fun, not to help them.


From the start of development in early 2015 to today (November 2017), the game once known as Precise Light now looks very different. It is now known as Perfect Dark -1 and development is close to completion. Project Director Chris Sutherland explains exclusively to Era Error what will set Perfect Dark -1 apart from its predecessor's (sequels? I don't fucking know) and other shooters on the market:

"The problem with Perfect Dark Zero is that the Rare studio of 2005 didn't understand the fundamentals of what made the franchise great - and we do! From the very beginning of development we analysed the IP extensively and came up with a core foundation of what we think our fans expect is required to make -1 a true entry in the series.

1. Blurry as fuck graphics - A key complaint to Perfect Dark Zero was that all the graphics look like they were made of plastic and the aesthetic was all wrong. We then analysed the original Perfect Dark on the N64 and noticed that the gameplay was almost impossible to look at due to its horrendously low resolution. If that's what the fans enjoyed, that's what they're going to fucking get. This will be developing into a theme here.

2. Optimal Frames Per Second - Perfect Dark (N64) runs at about 5FPS at most times so we made the crucial design decision to also emulate this in -1. The more frantic shit gets on the screen at any one time, the slower the framerate is by design. We call this revolutionary feature Slideshow™.



3. Character Nationality Changes - One thing that probably pissed fans off the most is that Rare stupidly changed the character of Joanna Dark away from her established, strong English persona into a ditzy Chimpanzee American woman. We decided to rectify this error. In the age of inclusiveness also known as 2017, we decided that it was obvious that our fans wanted the chance to control Joanna as a bunch of different nationalities and genders. In Perfect Dark -1, all characters in the game will constantly glitch every 3 seconds between multiple attributes so no-one gets to miss out on being included. At any one point, you could be controlling a combination of a transvestite/hermaphrodite/woman/man/ken/barbie/etc + Asian/Caucasian/African/Indian/Alien/etc + L/B/G/T/Q/+/A/B/C/D/E/F/etc. + Blonde/Brunette/Black/Bald/Purple/Green/etc - but absolutely no puke Orange Hair + Full-Able/Wheelchair/Limbless/Headless/Retarded/Meth-Addict + much more. Our main goal is that everyone feels like they are represented at all times and we know the players will appreciate this decision.

4. Completely fuck up a story that was already Destroyed - We'll do everything in our power to annihilate this once beloved AAA franchise beyond repair with our incompetent story telling. Just you wait until you see how pathetic the story is in this one. You're going to be so pissed off when you find out Joanna is working in a hair salon known as the Institute and Carrington is the head barber. There's no sci-fi, no conspiracy, no Data-Dyne, no Aliens, no covert operations. That was all unnecessary padding. The core of Perfect Dark -1 is to graduate Joanna Dark from Apprentice Hair Dresser, to Queen of the Salon world. We also are completely aware that our fans wanted another prequel instead of a stellar sequel and we're prepared to deliver.

5. Gameplay is key - No weapons, no punching (back to slappers), no dual wield, no reload animations, no secondary function. No split-screen multiplayer. No fucking nothing! We don't know what we're doing and we desperately needed help developing this game but we were too scared to ask. Now our loser Publisher Team 17 is going to release this piece of shit to the world to please the Gamer God and his Publishing Council as they know it's going to sell even if it fucking sucks. It's the Aliens: Colonial Marines and Duke Nukem Forever Protocol all over again. A Gearbox trademark actually. We thought we knew how to make games which is why we formed Playtonic but obviously after the embarrassing Yooka-Laylee that isn't the case. We were developing PD-1 alongside that game and we've spent far too much of Team 17's funds to stop now.

We're also screwed because of that stupid fucking Xbox One Exclusivity deal that we signed in 2015. There was a second requirement which was a deadline to release a game in the franchise and that was today. We missed it and that now means Bill Gates has free reign over the company and can do what he likes to any of us. He's been making really fucked up calls to the Playtonic offices since midnight too. Initially he left several voicemails stipulating that he is the GOAT and wants to be called Billy "Goat" Gates from now on. When our receptionist arrived at the office he threatened her over the phone and said that he and his new annoying sidekick Jonathan Steinberg are coming to get us.We're all on edge and super fucking scared!

Oh shit, They're here! They're HERE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"