Interview with Nintendo USA's President, Reggie Fils-Aime

We were recently graced the privilege of company with Nintendo of America's 'Almighty Fuhrer' (as he prefers to be called) Reggie Fils-Aime. We attempted to throw a few interview questions at the CEO, but it mainly turned into a little tangent instead.

We began with a greeting. "Thanks for agreeing to talk to us Reginald. It's truly an honour."

"Please, call me Fuhrer." He said.

DISCLAIMER: This article originally appeared during an Era - hah - when we were known as NoClipp. Times have since changed. Our garbage content hasn't.

"Riiiiight. Let's begin the interview. What would you say was one of Nintendo's internal motto's that the the public might not be aware of?

"Over a decade late is better than never" says Reggie Fils-Aime. "Since the release of the N64 we've instilled a culture of creating demand for features and products that should have always existed for years and never deliver. When the excruciatingly slow Japanese headquarters finally decide to catch up with the times, our fans are overjoyed in happiness and praise. Although in reality they should still be pissed as hell. It was quite a nifty trick! Unfortunately for us our consumer discovered this procedure during the release of the WiiU and we can no longer get away with stupid business decisions anymore. Our user base will only accept our best efforts as they did with the NES - SNES era's, and the NX platform will reflect this. We want to make money and blow it all on cocaine and booth babe prostitutes again. It's been far too long.

I then asked him why their trend of stupid business decisions temporarily ended during the 2006-2011 Wii generation. "The Wii was a fluke." He said. "After only mildly disappointing our fans with the purple lunch box, (Gamecube) which had no DVD playback or decent data capacity, we really wanted to anger people. That's how the Wii concept was born. We started with the promise of a game changing video games console, one that had an unbelievable name that everyone loved (The Revolution). The world was hyped."

 Exhibit A. One of the coolest gaming names ever conceived.

"Then at E3 2006, we revealed the Wii, the worst potential name we could think of, that was severely under powered and had a stupid wank gimmick we thought people would hate! For some reason the industry loved it, and to our dismay it became a phenomenon. We had barely any consoles manufactured as it was meant to be a joke, but after 118 million 'double GayCubes duct-taped together', well, here we are."

"We even had a plan to make stunningly crafted video games in every IP that we owned, which would be severely hampered by technical limitations and waggle controls. Our real aim is to hype our fans up and crush them to smithereens for our own enjoyment, but again, people still loved our games! In fact people think Super Mario Galaxy 1+2 are the best games in the series. I just don't get it. They also kept selling like fucking hotcakes. The worst Mario Kart ever made sold 36.53 million. Wii Sports, which is barely a game, sold 82.69 million. It really pissed us off!"

At this point, Reggie wouldn't stop ranting about the subject and we could barely spit a word in.

"Iwata had a great plan to potentially combat our success and disappoint the rampant fanboys when it all seemed impossible. His idea, was to produce the worst E3 press conferences ever seen, with consistently terrible announcements and cringe-worthy performances. For the gaming press and core gamer, it finally achieved the results we wanted. Unfortunately, the spastic casual consumer didn't care and kept buying the Wii product. It was a nightmare and truly some dark times for the company."

"Remember the annoyingly repulsive Cammy Dunaway? We only hired her for E3 appearances to piss you all off. She never even worked for Nintendo!"

"We called an emergency meeting in Tokyo, Japan after E3 2010 to come up with a plan to ensure we finally succeed in our goal of crushing fans and seeing their sweet tears of bitter disappointment.
It was there that the blueprint for 'Project Cafe' was finalised. We had to incorporate a few things to succeed. 1. The stupidest, most confusing name for our product that would kill off interest from the casual consumer (WiiU). 2. Completely misread the market and come up with a stupid concept which pathetically utilises a tablet computer. 3. Never actually utilise that very concept ourselves. 4. Once again promise a powerhouse system and deliver a Fischer Price equivalent instead. 5. Release new entries in the worst software series from last generation, only poorly up-scaled. 6. Come up with an annoying catch phrase that rubs insults in to the wounds of everyone's disappointment (Please Understand).

"These 6 factors ushered in a perfect storm. The WiiU was more of an utter piece of shit than ever planned. Even worse than Virtual Boy. The gaming industry and our fans were fucking furious and upset beyond our wildest dreams. We've been so happy. Everyone here at Nintendo climaxed for a good 3 years! We finally achieved our decades long goal of building up our fans to the highest peak and dropping them to hell for a laugh. Totally worth the wait."

"People were so angry with the WiiU that they threatened to blow up our worldwide headquarters. We actually had to release a couple of good titles like Splatoon and Mario Kart 8 to periodically calm them down to sane levels. It's been fucking hilarious. The fans think that things can't possibly get any more disappointing this generation. Well we have one more surprise for them: Star Fox Zero. It's going to be so fucking shit, I can't wait to watch the angry reactions online with Shiggy and laugh our asses off when it releases. We were also going to release a terrible new entry in the F-Zero series to coincide with starfox, but then decided it might send the fans over the edge with the bomb threats."

" Think you can fuck up a product more than us? I'd like to see you try!"

"Unfortunately for us, we've now exhausted our funds. We always keep our handheld line steady with revenue so we can screw around with the home consoles for practical jokes, but the WiiU product was such a successful flop that we simply have no money left. We now need to produce compelling hardware and software for two more solid generations before we can start fucking with our fans again. So enjoy the NX platform and its successor as they will turn out to be from the amazing old money making Ninty you loved in the past. Just be wary after that. We may decide to release the Vitality Sensor. (Laughs)"

To finish the interview, I asked Fils-Aime if he had any last words.

"Fuck Third Parties!" He said.

* This is clearly a terrible work of fiction. If you struggle to tell the difference between legitimate and false content, then you're an idiot.