New Boxed Arcade1UP Cabinet Only Contains 5 Defects

While the video game industry seems to be nothing but doom and gloom recently, somehow, against all odds, a brand new Arcade1UP cabinet has shipped and sold with only a few defects!

The momentous occasion was met with intense fanfare from the Arcade1UP fan base, whose approval of the brand had begun to dissipate as cabinet prices spiked significantly in conjunction with blatant quality control issues. Although protesting in the strange manner of continuing to buy the over-priced, low caliber product in abundance anyway, the group is proud to see their inaction was clearly noticed by upper management, and have vowed their commitment to purchasing whatever crap is pushed out by the company.


Arcade1UP's upper management paints a different picture to the story.


"I'm absolutely gutted that somehow one of our products was shipped to a store and was not damaged in any capacity. Of course this happened on my only day off this year, and I will not stand for it." Said Arcade1UP CEO  Scott Bachrach.


"Arcade 1UP takes great pride in treating our products with the greatest discontent. We pick the cheapest components that other manufacturer's rejected (including screens, buttons, off-cut MDF boards & vinyl laminate) and only hire the dumbest of cunts off the street that can't even drill a simple hole for a button off a stencil properly. I personally inspect the final product and ensure that there is at least 10 defects of varying degree before it leaves our factory."

   'It's Ridge Racer. Riiiidge Racer!!!!' — Promo shot with pristine, straight from the factory cabinets.


"As our market share increases exponentially, it is imperative that our profit margins continue to grow. The only way I can continue to impress shareholders is by increasing the recommended retail price while providing the cheapest, deteriorating piece of shit product to consumers. Capitalism is more than just money — It's that sweet rush knowing that you fucked over some stupid moron on Black Friday and yet they'll still come groveling back for more; despite a cracked board, peeling crooked stickers and missing screws."


This article was sponsored by Arcade1UP. Reignite your nostalgia with all time classic arcade video games in immaculate replica casings, produced with the highest quality materials through tender love and care. recommends the most expensive products from their range, as they provide the most value — according to this very verse that we were coerced to publish for a pathetic amount of funding. 


You know, we wouldn't have minded one of those Outrun cabs. Just saying...