New Bat Juice Flavoured Game Fuel Literally Poison

The latest energy drink to target video gamers has hit the market and it may not stay on shelves for long, as the recipe contains some startling ingredients.

Mountain (MTN) Dew has focused on gamers as a lead market for its energy drink line for some time thanks to strong sales from the demographic. The brand's parent company, PepsiCo, has not been afraid to change and trial different flavours with varying results either, leading to a vast range of exotic tastes available for purchase over the years.

There's bound to be some controversy after the company's newest effort, and surprisingly, the inclusion of bat juice (a mammal at the centre of the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic) is the least of their worries. A quick review of the ingredients list on the can's label reveals several other poisonous substances — all of which could be potentially fatal if consumed in excess.

A Mountain Dew spokesperson has defended the product.

"First of all, we know that our demographic of teenage gamers are a bunch of degenerate delinquents who love disgusting flavours and grotesque ingredients as long as our products give the effects of synthetic stimulants. In our first 2 weeks on the market, PepsiCo has already sold 5 million cans worldwide. Italy, China and Spain have seen the most exponential growth, but the United States is not far behind and we expect them to easily surpass those markets shortly."

"Profits per can have never been better for any of our products than Bat Juice flavoured Game Fuel. PepsiCo's plan of purchasing incredibly cheap, dead bats from Wuhan, China and grinding them up with acidic poisons for our new energy drink has been a master stroke for our share holders."

"Young gamers love the edgy, new flavour that makes them seem super cool among their idiotic lollipop sharing and airplane toilet seat licking peers, but most of all they love the increase in tenacity and alertness that the poison provides to their gaming performance. Yes we are using poisons in our product, but unless you drink more than 3 cans in a row — which is completely against our guidelines, immunizing us from legal repercussions — you'll be fine."

"We are aware it is extremely coincidental that the most popular markets for Mtn Dew's Bat Juice Flavoured Game Fuel happen to be the worst effected areas of the COVID-19 virus, but we've been given 100% assurance from the Chinese government that the bats we have sourced 'shouldn't' be affected with the virus. Therefore we see no reason to discontinue the drink."

Era Error were provided with 12 cans of Bat Juice Game Fuel thanks to the wonderful people at PepsiCo, and even though I'm now writing this in hospital as our entire team somehow caught COVID-19 despite socially isolating for nearly a month, I have to say my alertness has improved ten-fold since regularly consuming the drink. Unfortunately our newest intern has died from internal bleeding, but doctors say that was due to excess consumption of corrosive, poisonous substances completely unrelated to the Corona Virus. Where do we hire these idiot intern's from?