Corona Virus Replaces Cacodemon In DOOM Eternal

The Cacodemon has been replaced by COVID-19 in DOOM Eternal via an early patch to increase the game's fear factor towards players.

An iconic red, spherical demon in the highly lauded DOOM video game franchise, the Cacodemon has transcended into pop culture since its first appearance in the original game in 1993. The enemy's artificial intelligence is an integral pillar to the balance of the frenetic game-play, ensuring players continually move to dodge attacks, arguably making it an irreplaceable asset.

Children loved traumatizing themselves forever to DOOM (archived footage).

It will therefore be an immense surprise to long term fans that id Software have removed the demon in DOOM Eternal, replacing the enemy via an early patch with another fearful foe; the real-life pandemic crippling society — The Corona Virus (COVID-19).

As id Software's Creative Director Hugo Martin explains, it's for a very good reason.

"First of all, I just want to say that I know you're all going to be very pissed off at us because we've altered the formula and removed a classic demon so early since Eternal's release."

"However, after witnessing the majority of people become a bunch of fearful, irrational, hoarding pussies with the global pandemic happening all around us, we realised that we needed to do whatever it takes to make the game scarier to create a more powerful impact for players."

"Right now, people fear nothing more than the Corona Virus, and we decided to capitalize on this by implementing COVID-19 as a demon in the campaign and battle mode. DOOM Eternal is structured like a game of chess and it's impossible to add or subtract demons without catastrophically affecting game-play, which left our team at id Software no choice but to replace the Cacodemon with COVID-19."

"COVID-19 was rigorously tested with external partners, consisting of toilet paper scalpers and hoarders. This allowed us to measure the reactions of the regular fuckwit in society, and it was a phenomenal success, resulting in 90% of those people literally shitting their pants in fear of the virus."

"Unfortunately we couldn't trust our testers from thieving our office's precious toilet paper supply and all of it was removed during that period — an unlucky change of fortune for our partners."

"Longtime fans will notice that COVID-19 acts in a similar fashion to the Cacodemon by flying airborne, except instead of firing energy blasts, it coughs contagious droplets of itself. If a player engages too close to the virus, it will also expand itself into the players mouth, causing continual damage by deteriorating the players respiratory system, until they die from freaking out or find a health pack. We've truly brought DOOM into the modern era of 2020!"

Luckily for us all, the DOOM Slayer is the cure.

We can't wait to shit our own pants to DOOM Eternal when we break into a closed EB Games and steal our own copy later today (no company is stupid enough to send a review copy to Era Error). We also can't wait to run to the toilet afterwards, realise we also don't have any toilet paper because of all the stupid cunts stock piling it, and wipe our butts with a rag, try to flush that down the toilet and then clog the pipe, resulting in a phone call to a plumber who will be too scared to service our office due to fears of the virus, and we'll just continue to work in a flooding office filled with liquid shit.

At least some absolutely amazing games are coming out right now. 2020 sure is something!