Sonic The Hedgehog Movie: The Game Announced

The horrible movie trailer wasn't the only thing that dropped. Not content with the destruction of their beloved franchise in 3D, Sega has announced the next gaming disaster for the series.

The world of Sonic The Hedgehog has experienced many dizzying highs and deplorable lows during its lifespan. It entered the video game world on top as the edgy, blazing fast side-scrolling nemesis of Nintendo's once unstoppable Super Mario franchise, to only become a laughing stock with embarrassingly low quality titles and everything in-between. Consistency is the issue, because for every Sonic 06, Boom, The Fighters and Shadow The Hedgehog, there's a Sonic Mania, Rush, Generations and Colors to match.

2017 saw the release of the fantastic 2D Sonic Mania and the mediocre 3D Sonic Forces, which left pundits wondering what direction — and quality — the next Sonic game will take.

Unfortunately Sega has returned to its dark ages and left fans with their worst nightmares, as they've just announced that the next AAA Sonic game will be a tie-in of the upcoming train-wreck live action movie releasing later this year.

Sega's Shun Nakamura explains the announcement by immediately starting on the defensive:

"What, Nintendo is allowed to make a fucking disgracefully shit theatrical conversion of their most popular franchise and Sega aren't?"

"We'd be stupid not to leech off the momentum of the horrendous movie adaption, and as far as the video game space is concerned, Sonic Team has unfinished business in the realistic aesthetic for the franchise that has gone begging since Sonic 06'. The live action movie finally gives us that opportunity."

"As the groundwork for realism is already built in Sonic 06', we've decided to re-utilise the engine and up-rezz it a bit to work on modern systems. You should see how good those endlessly talking NPC's, geometry glitches and loading times look like in 4K! We wont have time to optimise too much as we need this bad boy out by the time the movie arrives, but just like last time, we know you'll understand."

"I also don't want to spoil too much from the movie, but the script allows the development team to realise our twisted hentai fantasy of Sonic fucking a human, and with next generation hardware we are able to replicate the scene in graphic detail. The gaming world couldn't handle more than a kiss back in 2006, but the way society is in 2019, we know you're now ready."

"One more thing I've been granted permission to talk about outside our NDA, is that you can be rest assured that all of the Blue Bomber's shitty, weak and annoying cast of characters will be included and also butchered in the realistic aesthetic of the movie. My personal favourite is Charmy Bee because he's a dumb, little cunt."

Press A to destroy a franchise beyond reprieve.

"This is the best we're capable of at Sonic Team. It's not our fault we're shit. This is the only way we can lock in sales as we know all of the Soccer Moms out there are going to take little Billy to see the bucket of shit movie and then buy him the game tie-in for Christmas. God I love capitalism!"

It's extremely concerning that the project lead is not aware that the term Blue-Bomber refers to Megaman and not Sonic The Hedgehog, but that's probably the least of Sonic Team's concerns. Look out for — actually, avoid — Sonic The Hedgehog Movie: The Game when it releases on the 15th November, 2019