A new mode for players within the top percentile of Smash Ultimate's Global Smash Power rankings have been revealed. The regulations will not shock you in the slightest.
In an attempt to guise Melee players from their beloved 'Jesus Christ' of video games, Nintendo has proudly announced an exclusive mode for its elite user base on their new boy on the block - Super Smash Bros Ultimate. The new 'Tier Mode' is restricted to users with a GSP in the top 5%, which are predominantly eSports professionals and players with extreme mental disorders.
"Super Smash Bros. Ultimate released to critical acclaim last week and our data suggests that it is on target to finally kill that fucking ancient pest known as Melee 11 years past its used by date. We're confident those annoying degenerates clinging on to that rotting corpse will finally relinquish some new revenue and switch to the 'Ultimate' product, when we release:"
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| Unprecedented. This idea is super creative! |
"That's right. The hardcore eSports community cried for over 15 years and we've finally decided to dangle a carrot. Tier mode is exactly what they wanted; Only the most boring characters, the least exciting stages, no variables and stupidly fast, it's the least stimulating experience anyone can ask for. Those pricks won't be able to resist Ultimate when we ensure the miserable Melee play style is the most popular method among the elite — and only the elite, because no one else wants to play that shit."
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| Give your Master Hand a working over the ultimate Climax. |
"Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is the ultimate crowd pleaser, whether you want to get fucked over by random items and stage hazards or to handicap your capabilities and debilitate your experience to a science."
It appears Nintendo's attempt to convert the stagnant Melee player base is working, with several professional players backing the new Tier Mode.
"The reason I like Smash Ultimate is because they've finally appeased Melee junkies like myself. Nintendo knows I'm not playing this shit for fun. I want to torture myself by relinquishing any entertainment out of the package so I can continue to be a miserable fuck and complain about items and balancing that other users play with on Smash boards and Reddit." — MiNuS_oNe
"This new Tier Mode really sticks it to the fucktards complaining about Melee players. Even Nintendo now understands that playing as Fox and avoiding an opponent on a bland, static stage is the absolute pinnacle of gaming. Playing Melee in my parent's basement never ceased to give me an erection and now with its replication in portable HD on the Switch, I can get aroused in public! Look out for me on my commute, because that might just be enough to get me over the line!!" — TomatO
We eagerly look forward to reporting on the new
