Smash Bros. Ultimate Tier Mode Revealed

A new mode for players within the top percentile of Smash Ultimate's Global Smash Power rankings have been revealed. The regulations will not shock you in the slightest.

In an attempt to guise Melee players from their beloved 'Jesus Christ' of video games, Nintendo has proudly announced an exclusive mode for its elite user base on their new boy on the block - Super Smash Bros Ultimate. The new 'Tier Mode' is restricted to users with a GSP in the top 5%, which are predominantly eSports professionals and players with extreme mental disorders.

"Super Smash Bros. Ultimate released to critical acclaim last week and our data suggests that it is on target to finally kill that ancient pest known as Melee, 11 years past its used by date. We're confident those annoying degenerates clinging on to that rotting corpse will finally relinquish some new revenue and switch to the 'Ultimate' product, when we release:"


"That's right. The hardcore eSports community cried for over 15 years and we've finally decided to dangle a carrot. Only the most boring characters, the least exciting stages, no variables and stupidly fast, it's the least stimulating experience anyone can ask for. Those pricks won't be able to resist Ultimate when we ensure the miserable Melee play style is the most popular method among the elite and only the elite, because no one else wants to play that shit."

Give your Master Hand a working over the ultimate Climax.

"Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is the ultimate crowd pleaser, whether you want to get screwed over by random items and stage hazards or to handicap your capabilities and debilitate your experience to a science."

It appears Nintendo's attempt to convert the stagnant Melee player base is working.

"This new Tier Mode really sticks it to the fucktards complaining about Melee players. Even Nintendo now understands that playing as Fox and avoiding an opponent on a bland, static stage is the absolute pinnacle of gaming. - Random melee player we found being interviewed by police at our local station.


We look forward to reporting on the new Melee Hell Tier Mode as the hardcore community continues to migrate to Smash Bros Ultimate over the coming months. It will be a wonderful day when an updated Tier list reveals that Falco and Battlefield are dropped from eligibility.