343 Industries Announces Halo 6: Conduit

Not able to contain their excitement until the internally scheduled reveal of E3 2018, 343 Industries has abruptly announced the next title in the once epic but now disenchanted Halo franchise - Halo 6: Conduit.

Confessing that the company has learnt harsh lessons from the consumer's reception towards their previous release, (Halo 5: Guardians) 343 Industries states that they've learnt valuable lessons from a gameplay and story telling perspective, as Studio Head Bonnie Ross explains.

" 343 Industries extensively reviewed fan opinion towards our development decisions relating to our previous release in 2015. The outcomes of the review generated a positive blueprint for our next title in the Halo series which, until now, was unannounced.

We're so excited about our next game, we couldn't wait until E3 to show it off, so we told Bill "Billy Goat" Gates to get fucked and decided to reveal it to you all early today.

"Billy Goat" nearly blew Bonnie Ross's head off when she first revealed the news, but became receptive soon after.

Introducing Halo 6: Conduit.

We noticed that our enthusiastic fans provided vast amounts of valuable feedback towards Halo 5, and we wanted everyone to know that they can rest assured that their opinions have truly been addressed. Our new strategies focus heavily on key components which will lift Halo 6 above its predecessors:

Split-Screen Multi-Player: Fans were incredibly vocal about the lack of this feature in Halo 5. Well, we listened, and we decided to remove all aspects of Multi-Player in Halo 6 to appease those people. No one will have to worry about online connectivity either, as any remnants are completely dissipated from the package! This will allow us to exclusively focus on butchering the shit out of the Single-Player without distraction.

Story and Marketing: The general consensus was that our marketing department did an amazing job at compelling consumers into buying Halo 5 with high production values and a compelling story. However, people expressed disappointment about being mislead as the actual game contained an unrelated, absolute piece of fucking dog shit version of events instead. This time we've decided to be more transparent and flat out tell you that the game's story will be completely detached from the marketing and it's going to be infinitely fucking worse!

Windows 10 (Cortana) returns as a Whore and attempts to destroy the Universe with a Virus she's spreading via Alien Gangbangs.

Boss Fights: The Warden Eternal was one of the most talked about components of our last game to the point that it trended worldwide on all major social media networks. To emphasise on the lifeless character's insane popularity, we decided to increase its inclusion to more than just every single god damn boss fight. In Halo 6, the Warden Eternal will be in the players vision at all times, obnoxiously annoying them at every whim. We're not sure internally why all you dumb fucks like the Warden that much, but we're happy to accommodate that annoying fuck-nugget into the game more to delight our fans.

Conduit: Since Halo 4, everyone loved our generic Forerunner race. We presume it's because we blatantly copied their design directly from the uninspired Drudge enemies of the niche 2009 Wii title The Conduit, created by the fucking shit cunts at High Voltage Software. 343 Industries decided to go one step further and base Halo 6 entirely around that pathetic franchise and leech from it at every instance as barely anyone played it and we're too spasticated to come up with anything on our own accord. This is the sole reason we decided to name Conduit as Halo 6's subtitle and is the foundation of several changes to the campaign.

For instance, every single enemy will now consist of character models completely ripped from The Conduit franchise. There won't be any Covenant or Flood, not even the original Drudge rip-off Forerunners. Only the Drudge - The best Alien species ever developed for a video game and you're all going to fucking love it!

Originally we thought players wanted to play more as the Halo character, but after internal findings, we found that people just fucking hated Locke. As a result we decided to remove both Halo and Locke entirely, replacing them with the basic bitch character Michael Ford also from The Conduit. Michael Ford is so cool. He shoots stuff and now looks just like a Spartan in his Low-Poly suit originally designed to rip off Halo himself. Man, we just get tingles thinking about how fucking great this game is going to be. Holy shit!!!

The Halo series is now up to 6, and we understand that the consumer must be tiring from franchise fatigue. That's why we reviewed dated elements like the boring Halo rings. Don't worry, they're gone! Replaced with fucking Conduits, from - you guessed it - The Conduit!

We've also updated the resolution and it starts with a 4. No not 4k you stupid Fucksticks, 480p! Retro is back and we're supporting it 110%. The game will also only work on OG Xbox One consoles and won't be ported to Xbox One S, X or PC as our development team is fucking shit and just flat out couldn't figure those platforms out. Be prepared to experience a smooth and responsive 15 FPS!

343 Industries is synonymous with incredibly fucking stupid development decisions and there will be many more of them related to Halo 6 revealed at E3 2018 later this year. We can't wait to reveal that Michael Ford was actually Halo all along since Combat Evolved! Also stay tuned for the remastered Michael Ford Collection which will run at 480p and still wont work properly. "