The Retro Video Game Lobby and its greater community was left in a state of shock this morning when a strange yet prominent retro video game collector posted footage of himself playing an old game from his collection for the very first time.
In the past, Youtuber CartCuck only posted videos to his account which highlighted his enormous retro video game collection that spanned several generations and multiple platforms. The videos appeared to exist only to inflate CartCuck's ego for owning such an impressive collection and not much else, as the way the games are presented suggest that their rarity and price are of most importance, not the content contained within. Not once was any actual footage of any video game he owned ever posted.
In fact, no other game collector who is a member of the Retro Video Game Lobby (RVGL) has ever posted footage of their games in action either, which is strange considering the entire hobby is primarily about the brilliance of gameplay and graphics contained inside the media. Is the capitalistic value of a cartridge valued higher than the experience of playing a game to these collectors? If so, it would be a stern contradiction to the entire point of owning a video game.
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| CartCuck holding his fabled copy of Bong Ripper for the NES. |
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EE. Why don't retro video game collectors play the games in their cherished collections?
CC: The answer is pretty fucking obvious isn't it? Old video games are fucking shit! The graphics, even up to the PS2 era make my eyes bleed. Why would anyone want to play that garbage?
EE: Certainly seems strange that you collect video games considering you don't have a passion for the medium...
CC: It's because they're worth money cunt! The Retro Video Game Lobby worked tirelessly in the late 90's and early 00's visiting every single Thrift Shop and Cash Converters in existence to purchase any piece of shit cartridge they could find on the cheap. Many NES & Atari 2600 carts were being sold for 50 cents or even found in the back of Toys R' Us dumpsters. People viewed them as worthless trash at the time, and that would very well be the case today if it weren't for us.
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| The RVGL securing a games shipment in 2000. |
CC: Absol-bloody-lutely! These games are a limited quantity, and as soon as you own all the stock, you dictate the market. We initially began artificially inflating the prices to make ourselves feel good about our pathetic lives and sky-rocket our personal worth in an attempt to fuck hot bitches in night clubs who would normally scream at us. I used to price myself at around $28 million because of my collection back in 2004. It wasn't a problem that we didn't physically own the money. As long as we believed our empire was real, so did everyone else.
What we didn't anticipate were idiots asking us to buy our duplicate cartridges online. We never intended to make any real money off this little scheme, but little did we know that because we created the market, we could sell our worthless, plastic, 1980's children's toys for $600 a piece to stupid nostalgic fucks and make a metric shit ton of real money!
This inevitably pushed the RVGL to the realms of Youtube and Social Media. The more spastics that can find us while high on retro nostalgia, the more money we can exploit for our scheme. As I said earlier, old video games look and play like absolute dog shit, which is why we never feature any gameplay on our social accounts. We strictly only post media of ourselves holding old game boxes, cartridges or old memorabilia, in an attempt to deflect any real recollections away from someone's nostalgia hit.
Dumb amateur collectors on Instagram actually think the RVGL are collecting for a passion, and post screenshots of old games trying to mimic us! Stupid fucks. That's why no-one is asking them to buy duplicates! The most hardcore retro game collectors don't even post real images of their collections and simply paste box-arts they found from google searches. If a retard asks to buy, they just sell a fake 'Re-Pro' cartridge at full price. Some people don't even own a single game in their collection and just catfish with photos from Reddit! I admire those lunatics!
EE: It's pretty fucked up that you manipulated a market filled with innocent people who just wanted to relive their childhood memories authentically.
CC: How else would we sell a crappy copy of Bong Ripper for US$500,000??? *laughs hysterically*
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| Screenshot of Bong Ripper - Accidentally published by Nintendo in 1987. Rare and expensive. |
EE: Alright we get it. You've tricked all of us silly dildo's into paying a premium. That doesn't explain why you posted a video of gameplay from one of your cartridges considering that grains against the RVGL's stance?
CC: You see, now that my earnings have eclipsed $700 million due to the sales of duplicates from my collection - which was initially attained for a McDonald's Thick-Shake and a couple of Jelly Beans back in 1999 - I'm free to disclose my true hatred of retro video games. I've made my money and I don't give two fucks if no one else does. That's why I started showing gameplay footage this morning of Barbie for the NES. Barbie's pixelated titties will attract the virgin nostalgia addicts and the horrible gameplay will wake them the fuck up so they realise their memories are wrong. Retro games are fucking horribly shit in every shape and form and I'll be bursting that bubble like a fat pimple - devouring all that juicy puss for myself!
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| Barbie for NES |
I hate retro video games so much, that for the past 10 years, I've held the rarest ones in captivity in my basement and I fucking torture them! They deserve to fucking die! Unfortunately I can't completely destroy them until they're totally worthless as I'm extremely glutinous. Once they're worth fuck all I'm going to massacre every single one until they're eradicated from the planet! I'll be posting gameplay videos until their value plunges to zero. That's when the 'final retro cleansing' will begin. Fuck you. Fuck retro gaming, and fuck the community! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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| CartCuck don't give a fuck™ |
Jesus, that escalated quickly. Although I'm still a little mesmerised by Barbie's big bouncy titties! Expect to see a lot more gaming videos on CartCuck's Youtube channel over the next several months. He has promised a vast selection of games prominently on display for all those self proclaimed retro junkies to digest. We here at Era Error would normally be excited, but after seeing what retro games actually look like, we kind of don't care any more.
