Tetris 99 Online Opponents Actually Just CPU's

A recent data-mine of Nintendo's popular Tetris 99 has revealed that the game cheats its online component by simulating human opponents with CPU players.

Tetris 99 has been a stand-out inclusion of Nintendo's much lamented Nintendo Switch Online (NSO) service since the game's launch in February 2019. Offering frenetic battles against 98 other human players at the same time, the game found a vast following from hardcore Tetris players and those engrossed in the battle royale boom of the time.

Unfortunately for those who have played the game, your memories are now completely worthless and an absolute waste of time, as data miners have discovered that the human multi-player element is completely fraudulent and simulated by the CPU.

Ryuichi Nakada, the Producer of Tetris 99 and employee of its developer Arika, has since publicly explained the predicament. 

"What? Did you really think that Nintendo's shitty online service could handle 99 real-life concurrent players? *laughs*"

"Arika was instructed by Nintendo to bolster their NSO portfolio with engaging online content to encourage players to utilise the Switch's internet capabilities. When we proposed Tetris 99 to Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa, he thought the idea was sensational and the project was immediately approved."

"What Furukawa failed to mention to Arika was that Nintendo's Online Service was still running on a dial-up backbone of 28.8kbps which had not been updated since the days of the Nintendo 64 Disk Drive (N64DD), forcing our developers to think outside the square in devious ways."

Nintendo's servers are easy to spot out in a data centre.

"At no point during the Tetris 99 experience is anyone actually connected to the internet. It's all simulated, from fake updates and additional features programmed to launch on certain dates, to straight up plagiarizing human players in the '99' mode. We're shocked anyone was stupid enough to think it was possible for a Nintendo game to transmit that much online data at one point in competitive play (75kbps)."

Nintendo has promised to respond to our request for comment, once they figure out how to reply to our e-mail via fax as they've eclipsed their data bandwidth for the month.