The Coalition has revealed that cigarettes in Gears 5 will be replaced by vape pens to appeal to a younger, edgier market.
A transition to vape pens explains the peculiar decision to omit cigarettes in the first place, as the Gears Of War franchise always maintained a mature audience through the intense violence and adult themes in its content, rendering the removal of cigarettes completely pointless.
Director of Communications at The Coalition, Dana Sissons, explains the decision to transfer their gritty characters to the punchy sensation of vapourisers in a quick update via the company's Twitter.
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| Gears 5 protagonist Kate Diaz experiencing a head-spin after a huge vape hit. |
"Gears 5 actually never included any references to cigarettes at any point in its development. I cleverly decided to exploit that and pretend they were intentionally removed for some free publicity from idiot social media pages who post any random shit they see, and it worked."
"The response from the public was astounding. I've never seen so many people so angry over such an arbitrary decision before. Particularly from the younger demographic who are still too prepubescent to buy the game anyway. "
"Strangely, the comments weren't demanding that cigarettes be re-integrated, but for Vape Pens to replace them."
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| So stunning. So brave. |
"Seeing as consumer interest for the franchise has consistently dropped with each entry and now at the lowest we've ever seen — shhh, don't tell Microsoft — The Coalition decided to cave in to the backlash. It was a masterstroke."
"Not only will core characters be seen vaping in cut-scenes to make them look cooler, we've taken the integration even further, designing Gears 5's core gameplay mechanics around players blowing weak, vapourised, pussy smoke to stun enemies from its fruitiness."
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"Better yet, we're also going to include a branded vape pen with every copy of Gears 5 too! No, we're not fearful the game isn't going to sell and just tacking on a shitty, bottom of the barrel product to push copies out the door to teens. It's not our fault Microsoft gave us a dying AAA franchise to keep on life support!"
Not sure any of that was overly necessary Dana, but thanks. We'll take note.
