OUYA Funeral — Recap

A funeral for the failed OUYA game console was held a few weeks ago. We know, you didn't notice. Which is why we've documented the embarrassing proceedings for us all to gloat at.
The OUYA was a low-cost dedicated gaming device designed with Android architecture that tried to compete with the likes of Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo and even Apple. Although a great idea in theory, the product failed miserably, largely thanks to unreliable hardware and shaky business decisions.

Despite securing stock in stores such as Gamestop and Bestbuy in 2013, the immediate reputation of the device among consumers was abysmal, quickly becoming a laughing stock before facing liquidation. The product was a meme within the video game industry and ceased production in 2015.

On the 25th June 2019, an event to shut down the OUYA server was held inside a Los Angeles data centre. Despite some desperate pleas from the AI for actions to be reconsidered, the plug was finally pulled and the device was laid to rest, leaving the crowd ecstatic that the pathetic service was no longer embarrassing the industry.

At the same time of the event, a live feed of the remaining unsold OUYA consoles being dumped into a rubbish dump was streamed, with those in attendance paying their condolences by spitting on the open grave of the little console that couldn't.

"No one asked for it. No one wanted it. Only literal retards backed it on Kickstarter. It's that redundant, no one even harvested the systems for parts. I've never witnessed a more hated piece of hardware in my life. I only attended to pay disrespect!" — OUYA funeral attendee

The bystander's statement sets the tone for a harsh funeral that was also very abruptly shutdown, as attendees apparently had better things to do with their lives than pay an extra $50 booking fee to bathe in the history of a failed technology that nobody liked.

The OUYA was laid to rest, without making more than a blip on the gaming radar. We'd like to wish the system to rest in peace, but it was honestly such a piece of crap that it's now finally where it belonged all along — firmly wedged between piles of dog shit and soiled diapers.