With the hype from Nintendo's E3 reveal of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate currently at full throttle — largely thanks to every character from the franchise returning — not everyone is happy.
Waluigi is a character that fans have wanted included in the roster since Melee on the Gamecube in 2001. Their support pushed him into an Assist Trophy role in Brawl, where he also remained for the Wii U and 3DS renditions. However, with the continued petitions and the upcoming release of Mario Tennis Aces which features Waluigi prominently, many thought that Smash Bros. for Switch would finally be the occasion the lanky larrikin made the roster. It wasn't.
We ventured to Waluigi's seedy apartment in the Mushroom Kingdom to hear his opinion on proceedings.
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| Waluigi's apartment building is located to the south of the dodgy Forest of Illusion. |
WL: Wah.
EE: Yes Waluigi, Wah.
WL: WAH. WAH!!!
Waluigi proceeded to point at some lines of ketamine prepared on his coffee table and continued to moan until we snorted one.
EE: Woah. This is pretty rad.
WL: Welcome to my world. Now, can you understand me?
EE: Surprisingly, yes. Waluigi, are you upset that you weren't included in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate's roster?
WL: Of course I fucking am you stupid dipshit! It's been the goal of my career since those scrubs at Camelot created me for Mario Tennis on the N64. I'm the bad boy of the Mushroom Kingdom and everyone is just scared that I'm going to dominate!
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| Waluigi's Wah's were very persistent. |
EE: Do you believe there is a particular reason Masahiro Sakurai refuses to include you as a playable character?
WL: Fuck Sakurai!! That little pussy cries about having sore hands from testing video games. That cunt is a butt plug!!
I have no respect for that pre-pubescent little girl. He stabbed me in the back. We had an agreement during the development of Smash Bros. Brawl for me to be included in the main roster, but on the way home in a taxi after a big night out together, he decided to degrade me to an Assist Trophy. All I did was jab a big needle filled with Heroin into my arm!
5 years had past and I met with Sakurai again during negotiations for the upcoming Wii U and 3DS Smash games. He expressed interest to include me on the main roster again. Things were going great, until Birdo charged into the room demanding me to pay child support to our six children. I didn't know Transvestites could have kids! I just thought Birdo was joking when it said we had a family. That ended those negotiations swiftly.
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| No denying the ownership to those monstrosities. |
This brings us to 2017. Sakurai called me and stated that he wanted to make the fans blow their loads by including Ridley and myself in the next game. I was elated but adamant that my move set had to contain more than just Tennis cliche's as I'm a much more developed character than that and he agreed. Life was finally good...
Until I saw the reveal for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on Nintendo's E3 Direct! That little Japanese Beatles try-hard screwed me again! I let out the biggest 'Wah' when I saw that I was fucking assisting another time. Sakurai even had the audacity to embarrass me as the first Assist Trophy to be obliterated off the screen while I held a dopey Tennis Racquet! I'll have my revenge. Mark my words."
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| "Game. Set. Match. Fucker" - Masahiro Sakurai |
EE: Wow Waluigi, that was some story. I think we'll be jumping on the next rocket back to the ERRORverse now.
WL: Oh you're not going anywhere.
Waluigi began to hit tennis balls at us while we tried to rush towards the exit. Luckily, he had consumed too much Ketamine and K-holed on his bed not long after his efforts to stop us and we managed to escape.
Back at our shithole office, we decided to follow up on Waluigi's claims and reached Masahiro Sakurai to have his take on Waluigi's exclusion in Ultimate. The answer was swift.
"If I couldn't use Tennis as the basis of Waluigi's moveset, what other theme could I use for the soulless fuck? Drugs??? Haha, this is a Nintendo game for crying out loud."
Better luck next time Waluigi, you fucking druggo.
