COD: Battle Royale-Fare Announced

Seemingly completely out of ideas for its once unstoppable behemoth franchise, Activision has swiftly revealed a brand new Call Of Duty title well within the usual 1 year cycle. Separate from all other entries in the series and a digital exclusive on all platforms, welcome Call Of Duty: Battle Royale-Fare to the limelight.

It's unusual times for Call of Duty, as after nearly a decade of holding the mantle as juggernaut of the gaming world, it has faced several instances of harsh critique and prejudice in recent years. This is partially due to several questionable design and marketing decisions but also consumer fatigue, as COD found itself at the forefront of the mainstream populous without making any fundamental changes besides some peculiar gimmicks from time to time.

Evidence suggests that the market has slowly pushed away from Call Of Duty with each annual entry, but after the 3 latest titles were widely received as steaming piles of shit, further crippling the already waning reputation of the series, consumers began to exit en mass.

Errorian's didn't take kindly to Infinite Warfare.
As Head of Activision's Developer Relations Johnny Ellis explains, the company is trying to change consumer perceptions of the COD Brand with a new formation of tactics, starting with the newly revealed Battle Royale-Fare.

Consumers have been little salty bitches as of late and are giving the Call Of Duty franchise a tough time which is extremely unfair. It's also extremely difficult for this organisation to comprehend as to why this attitude has arose as we've literally had fuck all to do for roughly a decade!

Normally after every release, all employees of each developer involved would collectively decide to just get the same single programmer to make extremely minor adjustments to the engine, art and design. That way we can keep releasing the same basic game and focus our marketing on those new, small additions. Remarkably, that would be enough effort for millions upon millions of dumb cunts to keep buying the game. We stole that idea from EA Sports and we can't thank them enough, it was remarkable!

Programmer #1 (like all Programmers) is socially retarded and constantly taken advantage of.
Eventually, a few nosy fuckwits would catch on to our little scheme. On those occasions, we'd just hire a second programmer to work in conjunction with the other on the upcoming game while myself and the 400 other team members would continue to sit around smoking crack cocaine and still be paid our annual salary. Luckily that would be enough to decoy everyone. Even Activision would turn a blind eye to proceedings as long as the profits were rolling in to the Publishing Council and Gamer God.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, the two programmers started jumping on the crack habit, and the new features started to get a little crazy, beginning with Advanced Warfare. The programmer (who I couldn't even be fucked to ever ask for his name) decided to invite Kevin Spacey in to the office for inclusion. This was well before the accusations of his pedophilia but it was already pretty obvious when he started demanding 3 infants on site at all times. I can't tell you what he did during his time here due to an NDA, but believe me it was FUCKED!!

Kevin Spacey between shooting scenes for Advanced Warfare.

Infinite Warfare continued the trend and Kevin Spacey was once again responsible. He coined the idea of the space aesthetic during production of Advanced Warfare as it would appeal directly to pre-pubescent children. As we were all absolutely fucking glassed from the copious crack undertakings we just rolled with it. To no surprise, it bombed hard. Several of Activision's goon's arrived at our offices and threatened us with terminations if we didn't pick up our profit margins and for the first time since 2007, someone had to actually fucking do something.

So we framed the two programmers as crack dealers to the police for a laugh and got to work. We had no clue how to come up with original ideas of our own as we never had to previously, and we sure as hell weren't going to start now. Our biggest competitor DICE changed their dynamic with the Battlefield franchise and targeted the first world war era for the first time in the genre's history. We then thought to ourselves, "You know what? We're going to hit fucking World War 2 again because we have nothing else! Plus we'll add some shitty loot boxes as that's what all the new games that the cool kids of today like!" And that's exactly what we did.

Of course that was a fucking disaster as well and we now find ourselves at our last resort. Any franchise at Activision is destined to eventually be ran into the ground before its sapped soul is sacrificed to the Gamer God, just like Tony Hawk and Guitar Hero were. You'd be kidding yourself if you thought COD of Cunty would be any different. Now that we're totally out of ideas we have no choice but to start blatantly copying the competition. The biggest genre right now? Battle Royale!

Absolutely 'not' a screenshot of PUBG

We didn't need an executive marketing and research team to figure out that Player Unknown's BattleGrounds and Epic's Fortnite are two of the biggest games in the industry right now. It's only natural that the filthy conglomerates at Activision take a slice of the pie and COD: Battle Royale-Fare was instantly green-lit by the publishing council. We had to act quick and beat those faggets at EA to the mantle, so we skipped our traditional 1 year cycle between game releases and will be throwing this digital only release into the wild after only 6 months of development! 2 years is over-rated, Tony Hawk 5 only needed 6 months and look how fucking sick that game turned out!

As we only had 6 months to develop Call Of Duty: Battle Royale-Fare, we didn't even try to be creative. Many people will buy anything if it's related to something that's trending, so we feel confident we can trick a few million dumbfucks with this game. It doesn't feature anything unique at all and every single asset is recycled from previous COD titles (Including Kevin Spacey unfortunately). There's no need to even describe Royale-Fare as it's exactly the bloody same as every other Battle Royale mode out there. Although if you're a retarded gimp please refer to the PUBG summary replaced with COD:BRF below:

Player Unknown's BattleGrounds Call Of Duty: Battle Royale-Fare
Our BATTLE ROYALE game-mode will put up to 100 players on a remote island
for a winner-takes-allshowdown where strategic gameplay is as important as shooting skills.
Players will enter a last-man-standing battle where they try to locate weapons, vehicles and supplies in a graphically and tactically rich battleground that eventually forces players into a shrinking play zone as they engage in a tense and spectacular fight to the death. 
It's also way better than that fucking shit BattleGrounds game! Fortnite is also for gaping pussys!

Due to contractual obligations, Activision had to include Spacey in Battle Royale-Fare.
Best yet, COD: BRF still runs on the same ancient engine derived from Quake 2, so you can ensure that it will play like a bucket of shit which is a staple of the Battle Royale genre.

Call Of Duty: Battle Royale-Fare releases on every single machine Activision could think of on February 14 as they know their entire market consists of dateless losers. I personally can't wait to pick this one up on launch day!