Shareholder Peer Pressures Nintendo Into Restarting NES Classic Production


It has been revealed that a ruthless and frustrated Nintendo Shareholder has successfully peer pressured Japanese Nintendo Executives into restarting production of their infamous NES Classic Edition video game system. This dramatic new information comes mere hours after Nintendo themselves confirmed that production of the NES Classic will in fact restart in 2018.

Era Error has managed to land ourselves an exclusive interview with the said shareholder, (who wishes to remain anonymous) after using some magical peer pressure techniques ourselves.

Please note that the wish to be named anonymous reached Era Error's offices after the article was initially published. Unfortunately we couldn't be bothered to go back and hide the identity of the person in question. Apologies Willy Williams!

WW: How the fuck did you manage to trick me into this interview??

EE: Classic schoolyard banter. I think I called you a pussy at least 50 times!

WW: Awww shiiiiiiit.

EE: So, Willy Williams, we're going to let you take the stage and let the world know how and why you tricked bigwig Nintendo Executives into re-starting production of the NES Classic Mini.

WW: Well the answer is obvious isn't it? The whole scenario was a travesty! There was absolutely no reason for production to stop as the demand from the consumer was at insane levels and it was just never satisfied. Not even close. It goes against every business principle ever conceived. People were desperate to give those fucks money for their product and they weren't having a bar of it. The NES Classic was a licence to print money for Nintendo, but you know, Nintendo had to be fucking Nintendo and just absolutely fuck up a basic element for everyone with incompetence. People say that they were using the decision to create artificial scarcity as a way of viral marketing, but I wouldn't give those dickheads that much credit. They're a bunch of spastics!

I was like every other gaming loser out there trying my hardest to secure one of those little NES fuckers at a decent price, but no matter how hard I tried, I failed! My wife packed up and left me because she said I couldn't provide her the basic human right of shitty 8-bit video games like Balloon Fight or Donkey Kong Jr and wasn't putting up with it. I gave her some logic and said that we could just buy a Raspberry Pi and emulate those games plus much more for a cheaper price. She spat in my face and screamed that "IT'S NOT THE SAME AS OFFICIAL HARDWARE!!"

This left me with no choice but to embark on a quest to restore the balance of the planet. Without the NES Classic Edition, the world was going nuts. I mean, did you see that T.R.U.M.P video game which released on September 11 recently for example??? Unfortunately because my wife left me in that incredibly cliché occurrence, I went into a bit of a downward spiral. I moved back into my Mom's basement and all I would do is sit at my computer for long periods of time and jerk off to weird Japanese cartoon porn. I decided that I needed to turn into the ultimate gaming stereotype before I could finally save the world from the NES famine, so I would just consume an absolute shit ton of junk like super cheesy Dorito's and Mountain Dew. I also stopped showering, exercising and grooming myself. I turned into filth. All I would do is play video games and jerk off to Hentai. It was the only way I could become strong enough to defeat the evil Nintendo Executives. Oh did I tell you that I studied to become a computer programmer in that time as well?

Before And After - The devastating toll playing video games takes on the body after only 2 weeks. 
Every now and then I'd muster some enthusiasm between jerking off to start manufacturing ideas for a plan to save the NES Classic. The cheap, plasticy Nintendo console was my Private Ryan. I was going to march straight into war and save that cunt. My newly acquired programming skills taught me a thing or two, and after punching in a couple of 1's and 0's into my computer, it magically transported me into Kyoto Japan, right out the front of Nintendo's original headquarters.

There was an old security guard waving and smiling at every single Nintendo Employee as they walked through the pearly entry gates. I decided to be as casual as possible and try to blend in with the crowd. My recent lifestyle didn't really make that possible though as I was now in a wheel chair due to myself being fat and fucked - If only I was back in my motherland where I would've blended in better - but I thought what the hell and I tried to sneak in anyway. The security guard looked directly at me and knew I didn't belong, but I got away with it because I looked so pathetic and retarded, he just quivered and looked the other way. I was in. I actually fucking made it into the impenetrable fortress.

I walked through the front door and Mario & Luigi were just standing there. They said something in Japanese for which I had no idea what they said, so I told them to learn to speak fucking English. The Mario Bros. glared angrily at me as they seemed to understand basic English phrases like 'It's a me' or "woah oh ha ho!!", but I had no time to play games. (ha!!! take that one!!!) So I made like a Wii U and disappeared from the scene like I never appeared. I hit the question block in front of me and a piranha plant spine shot up to the clouds. This happened to be the next floor of the building so I obliged and jumped up. Immediately a bunch of koopa's surrounded me but I fucked them all up with my wheel chair dash which was reminiscent of Wario's shoulder charge. My wheelchair drifted like a Mario Kart through the copious amounts of Koopa blood on the floor until I reached a warp pipe. I used my feather item that magically appeared on me as it suited the scenario of this story and it transported me on top of the piped. I pushed down as hard as I could and it swallowed me like a dirty hooker finishing off Waluigi on a typical late evening occurrence and I went down into the unknown. Amazingly it took me to World 8-4. The final floor of the building.

Exhibit A - Koopa Karnage.
 I always thought that President Kimishima was the main culprit behind the NES Classic's untimely demise, but of course it had to be the legend himself, Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto. He greeted me with his wonderful trademark smile and tendered me a complimentary question block to hit. I obliged and whacked it with my head which is the customary thing to do in those cultural ceremonies. To my dismay a purple poison mushroom was summoned. I only just dodged the bloody thing before it scrolled away off screen.

Shiggy had the opening attack of a short verbal back and forth: "Why did you come here?" he asked; his voice sounding like a poorly optimised voice file playing off a third party NES cartridge. For some reason I replied "What percentage of development is the next F-Zero Shiggz??"

"The answer is in the name. Fucking ZERO!!! MWahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!" Shiggy had also transformed into Bowser for no particular reason at this point.

I realised that this was my best chance of attacking Miyamoto-San and having my way. Bowser is an absolute gimp in the Mario universe and he always manages to ultimately lose in the end despite the odds.  So I cut him a deal. "I want the NES Classic Mini to be placed back into production by Summer 2018 in the US. What can I give you in return to satisfy you for this offer?"

"Peaches. I want Peaches Geldoff!!" Bowser Roared.

"Mate you can't have Peaches. She's dead." I said. "I think you mean Princess Peach. Which you can't have either as she's thrashing Mario which I'm sure you're more than well aware of. How about Daisy? If you kidnap her you two can live happily ever after in Isle Delfino. Luigi is too busy being sucked off by his vacuum cleaner in his apartment to attempt to save her!"

"OK." Said Bowser.

The High-Res Transaction Transpiring.
 The deal was done. I had succeeded. Shiggy summoned Kamek to jizz from his wand and teleport me back home. I was back to rigorously masturbating in my basement like nothing had happened for no more than 5 minutes when my ex-wife appeared, begging for me to take her back now that I could finally supply her with some 8-bit. I just couldn't take the bitch back. While we were separated she was so desperate for some bits that she started hanging around this Sega guy who had one of those new dodgy 16-bit Mega-Drive Classic Consoles with HDMI. The games on it were shit and it was a real flimsy piece of hardware produced to make a quick buck from the stupid public. Unfortunately my ex wife had endured too much blast processing and she just wasn't the same so I told her to go and get fucked. THE END.

EE: What in the actual fuck did you even just say?

WW: I ate a lot of magic mushrooms in my Mom's basement while trying to hype myself up for the quest.

EE: Did any of that even happen or are you just making shit up?

WW: Umm........

Thankfully we can all still rejoice because the only real thing that happened during that whole scenario is that Nintendo will be starting a new production of its NES Classic Edition ready for release by mid-year 2018. In the mean time we'd like to advise our viewers to stay as far away as possible from that "dodgy 16-bit Mega-Drive Classic Console with HDMI". The blast processing on that thing will fuck you up!

We here at Era Error would also like to say a big fuck you to all those scalpers out there who made an absolute 'mozza' of money from securing large quantities of the NES Classic Edition and selling them back themselves at ridiculous inflated prices. We're super salty that we couldn't get in on the action ourselves and exploit the public. Lucky bastards.