Valve Forced To Actually Do Something

 
As competition in the PC market slowly erodes Valve's market share, the sleeping mega conglomerate has been forced out of its extremely comfortable gamer chair to act... after a few attempts.

There's not much to say about Valve that everyone doesn't already know. They used to make genre-defining masterpieces and created a revolutionary PC gaming platform. Before courting developers to make the excellent DOTA 2 and Left 4 Dead series, promises were made about the third entry of a certain first person shooter franchise that never eventuated. Valve also dabbled in VR, made a shitty card game... and not much else.

Since sales from their PC storefront Steam created an endless supply of revenue for the company, Valve never felt any pressure to act on projects that fans had been asking for. In recent years competitors began to integrate their own storefronts, such as EA's Origin, Activision's Battle.Net and Good Old Games, but none were able to penetrate enough to concern Valve, allowing them to let their Steam client decay with age.



 
The newest company to truly engage in competition with Valve is Epic, who has promptly allowed developers a larger slice of revenue and managed to attract a vast interest from the gaming world. However we all know what happens when a slice of anything is potentially taken away - Gabe Newell aka Windows Snorlax acts.

"It upsets me dearly when I have to try and flop out of my $50,000 gaming throne!"  - Said Gabe Newell.


Lord Gaben.

"For a decade I've happily done absolutely nothing to literally zero repercussions. My company doesn't have a hierarchy structure to make our staff feel like equals, it's specifically so I don't have to do shit. All I do between trolling fans through e-mails is count the money rolling in and order the dirtiest, filthiest food on Uber Eats."

"These past few weeks have been incredibly challenging though. For once my sweaty, red face isn't from obesity. It's because I've been forced to do something!"

"First I had to actually remove a game from Steam because it was about rape. We knew everyone would get their panties in a knot so I had to reluctantly release a public statement apologising to the developers about its removal. A loss of revenue is the worst crime a human can inflict and it disgusts me that the public forced me to do so."

Literally a legitimate Valve PR release.


"Now I'm being told that the Epic Store is a real threat to my slice of revenue. How fucking dare they! Isn't pandering the idea of Half-Life 3 for 13 years enough for people? We even invested in the HTC Vive purely to give fans the perception that the Half-Life 3 will be a revolutionary VR adaption so they'd keep throwing money away on Steam."

The slice of revenue cake generated by Half-Life 3's presumed existence is not a lie.
"Well suck on this Virgins. We know our VR trick is wearing off, so we'll be showcasing a brand new VR Headset in May and allude to Half-Life 3 the entire time but never actually reveal it. We'll be able to string everyone along for years before they think about jumping ship again, and by that time we'll have perfected VR porn so none of you will care any more!"

"No one takes away a slice of anything away from me. No one."