A recent, exciting study has found that the number of casualties contained within the virtual realms of video games has finally eclipsed the real life human population currently alive today.
ERRORverse University (EVU) compiled the fascinating data by accidentally logging into the Matrix on their campus network and convincing Neo to eat the blue pill. After which, Neo began to 'glitch out' and randomly told the Professor in charge that all of the undiagnosed psychopath's of society have killed more people virtually than those still living and breathing in the real world.
Luckily for the professor, he answered the phone call ringing in the distance before one of his own students tried to pull the plug on him for a laugh, which allowed him to share the important data he correlated with us.
The magic number — at the time this article was published — is 7,625,329,357. The most fascinating thing about that figure, is that it only counts murders conducted by people directly to each other online in games which include First Person Shooters like Halo, Tournament Fighters such as Mortal Kombat or Pedophile Playgrounds like Fortnite. Not one Computer Bot or Simulated Enemy is included in the total. Real Life 'Virtual' Murders only.
To mark this wondrous achievement by mankind, we decided to dig the inventor of the first video game system (Magnavox Odyssey), Ralph Baer out of his grave and interview his dead corpse to see what he thought of the accomplishment.
"It doesn't matter that this occasion occurred after my death, I'm just happy that humans have finally fucking killed each other enough online to eclipse the amount of people who exist on the planet.
Nobody knew this, but when I first conceptualised the very first video game console in the 1960's, I wanted the ability for people to gruesomely kill each other even all the way back then! The thought of knowing there has been billions of under-age kids killing each other over the internet is just fucking fantastic and I'm so proud that very fact is a part of my legacy and what I'll be remembered most by. Fuck society. If people want to kill each other, let them practice virtually before taking it into the real world. I wish I could've invented VR so I'd be known for the reason why all the schoolkids have such fantastic accuracy before they..."
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| Dickhead Employee Don Tecmocarti thought Ralph Baer was hilarious. |
We felt like the interview was getting a little out of hand at this point, so we gave the responsibility of cutting the corpses head of to stop it talking to our newest intern, before restoring the body to where we found it.
Congratulations society, we're all fucked up, and live in a world where we can proud of it! Anyone up for a game of Goldeneye on the N64? Oddjobs only though. We want to go and kill some midgets!
