Mechanical Keyboards have seen a massive resurgence in the past few years, largely thanks to PC gamers who have re-discovered the precise and tactile response of the design at hand. Unfortunately for those users, a recent study has directly linked their use to the rise of severely addictive tendencies.
Students from ErrorVerse University (EVU) conducted a study which began in late 2016 that surveilled the habits of 10,000 Mechanical Keyboard owners since their initial purchase of the hardware. The synopsis was released to the public earlier in the week and the results are startling.
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| We'll take their word for it. |
The study found that every single user exacerbated a substantial increase in computer usage to levels that are considered unhealthy by regular standards and even upwards towards 500%. The EVU declined our offer for further comment stipulating that the findings speak for themselves. However, we were able to reach several participants for their thoughts on the experience.
"As soon as I plugged the Mechanical Keyboard into my PC and started typing I was fucking hooked! Yeah, they're great for playing games due to their precision and all that crap, but what drew me to them were the keys themselves. That sound when a key is pressed just scratches the back of my brain the same way shoving a big fat needle filled with Heroin into my dick hole does and I can't get enough! I now have two unplugged keyboards with me at all times while I run around like a spastic, typing as hard and as fast as I can trying to piss off everyone in proximity. It's the best!" — Dick Johnston
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| Dick is popular with other colleagues. |
"The first thing I noticed when I started using the Mechanical Keyboard was how much quicker my inputs were registering on the computer. I've now maximised my BBW porn intake by the possible 500% thanks to my immaculately quick searches! My dick feels like I've shaven the skin off it like a prepared carrot and bleeds all over the place, but I don't let that stop me, and it's all thanks to that magical Mechanical Keyboard!" — Kaleb Andrews
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| Ouch. |
"Mechanical Keyboards give the same sensation as popping bubble wrap. I started a few months ago and I just can't stop! I admitted myself into rehabilitation hoping that I would receive the treatment I needed, but instead the staff wrapped me in a straight jacket and locked me inside a room covered in keyboards for their own amusement. I'm held captive in this hellhole and no one cares! PLEASE HELP!!!" — Phillip Huey
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| The staff love telling Phill to CTRL, ALT, DELETE himself! |
Not content with the opinions of genital mutilators or mentally deranged patients, we decided to ask a random member of the public on their opinion of Mechanical Keyboards hoping for a slightly different perspective:
"Mechanical Keyboards are the sole reason the world is filled with nerdy cunts who won't go outside and play real sports like the rest of us low IQ Fuckwits!" — Junior Hockey coach without a child in the team
The findings paint a bleak picture for the staff at Era Error as most of us are already mechanical keyboard fanatics. I'm not aware of anyone inserting a needle up their Urethra just yet, but with our low IQ's, I doubt it is far away.
