NOTE: We hate Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus so much, (especially compared to its predecessor) that we're going to turn this into Era Error's VANDALISM page. When we need to let off some steam, we'll come here to fuck this article up. It's the only way we can think of showing maximum disrespect!
I don't know what crack pipe other publications were smoking while writing their reviews for Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus - Oh wait, yes I do. It was the one shoved with fucking currency inside it - because Wolfenstein 2 is not a good game. It's incredibly mediocre and I'm not scared to say it!
The New Colossus first eclipsed my radar during E3 2017 during Bethesda's presentation when a trailer for the game first appeared. The trailer itself was fucking awesome! Running for roughly 8 minutes, it featured a highlight reel jam packed with content. Unfortunately when you find yourself actually playing the game, you'll come to notice that the 8 minute highlight reel was literally the only exciting content in the entire 14 hour campaign.
I actually wrote a 359 paragraph essay about why this incredibly over-rated game pissed me off compared to its predecessor, but then I realised that I work for non-professional organization and I can do what ever the fuck I want. I decided on the easiest option - Bullet Points of random thoughts without any coherence! Without further ado, prepare for a world of jumbled complaints:
- Bethesda's marketing team fucking tricked me with a perfect storm of miss-informing media. Wolfenstein 2 was heavily pushed to be set in a fully functioning Nazi conquered America in the 1960's.
- That was never delivered besides a one 5-minute scene.
The game featured a Nazi conquered America, I can't deny that, but it sure as hell wasn't fully functioning! - I was expecting to see multiple scenes depicting Nazi's occupying the streets and uncomfortable, confronting realities of what a potential future would've looked like for the American people.
- Instead we received a spiritual Fallout 5.
- America is completely fucking devastated by nuclear bombs with barely any remnants remaining of a civilised society.
- The only scene containing the original promise of a functioning, Nazi conquered American city was the Roswell: Downtown District level - The one in the trailer where that Nazi cunt purchases a milkshake!
- I almost feel this scene was entirely developed for the purpose of tricking people into thinking this game isn't another nuclear wasteland like Fallout - That's exactly what you fucking get without it.
- When I first started this game, I was 'Psyched' to see functioning American cities ruled by Nazi's.
- From the very start I awkwardly battled through generic shit like Evas Hammer (fuck I'll get to that later) and Ausmerzer.
- Eventually the game will set you up for a visit to America for the first time. New York City baby.
- Your anticipation is high as you wonder what it's going to look like. Well get used to this scenario - It's fucking blown up by a nuclear bomb.
- Incredibly disappointed as I would've loved to see a living Nazi New York.
- I accepted that this is probably a stepping stone to much more scenic levels later on, so I persevered.
- I suffer through the Manhattan: Subway, Ruins & Penthouse Districts which are are all poorly designed Wasteland levels.
- I'm then transported back to that god-awful Evas Hammer base to complete more soul destroying filler tasks and then I'm told that I'll be heading to a parade in Roswell: New Mexico.
- Could this finally be a real American level? To my relief, it actually was!
- The level lasts about 5 minutes and you do fuck all.
- You walk through laughably bad graphics (again, akin to Fallout) on your way to the Milkshake scene.
- That happens and then the stupid Alien Conspirator cunt takes you downstairs and pushes you into a tunnel.
- That's it. Back to generic corridors, enemy bases and wastelands. No more functioning America. It's fucking done. Done and dusted. The whole hype train of a living Nazi America is done in under 10 minutes.
- After waiting so long to experience a non-wasteland American city and then pushed through a tunnel leading to more Nazi bases after a couple of minutes infuriated me.
- I presumed that the game must be cock-teasing me and more immersive streets of America must be imminent so I again persevered.
- I forced myself through the un-enjoyable Roswell: Underground district. After that, there's a brief glimpse of Redneck Billy's family home for another 10 minutes.
- I guess this technically counts as non-destroyed America, but after the cringey scene with BJ's father, that too is fucking obliterated.
- Billy is captured, dies and escapes through more uninspired scenery and we then encounter more wasteland America.
- Manhattan: Bunker District, New Orleans: Confinement Wall, Ghetto,Bienville Street & Lakeview Districts are all Fallout-esque pieces of shit I did not want to play through in this game, yet I did.
- All in the quest to play more of the promised civilised America. Could it finally return in the next level? Nope we're off to fucking Venus for more shit levels.
- There's 3 pathetic space station levels to get through.
- After that, there's one more generic Nazi base level on a plane and then the rushed ending in a TV studio. That's fucking it!
- A civilised America was promised and IT DID NOT DELIVER. The customer has every fucking right to be pissed off. Fuck you Machine Games you fucking cunts!
- I have to commend Bethesda's marketing well. You assholes deserve an award because you are brilliant at your job for selling this pile of shit.
- This game is fucking shit to play and suffers from all the problems of its predecessors which amplifies those issues tenflold. Every dilemma should've been rectified by now and there is no excuse for them to persist.
- The weapons are generic, uninspired and just fucking suck. There is literally no feedback while shooting and there is no satisfaction into their implementation. The upgrades are completely unnecessary as they don't add any real meaningful features.
- Melee attacks are pointless as you are pummelled with bullets while in the animation.
- In fact being pummelled by bullets is a constant theme here.
- At all times you're constantly hit in all directions, and have absolutely no idea where exactly you're being shot from. At most times you don't even realise you're being hit as there's barely in any on screen notification and before you know it, you're frustratingly dead, with no idea why or how.
- There is a complete lack of feedback in general. It just doesn't feel right. You never know if enemies are nearby, if your bullets are actually hurting them or if you're being hit yourself. There is no tactile to response to anything in this game.
- Picking up items takes this up a notch. One of the gripes of the first game is that there are no auto pick-ups. So why in the flying fuck does the same issue persist in this one??? In the heat of battle, constantly pressing a button to pick up
+2 armour or health is infuriating. Not only should these minor items pick up automatically, you need to be in the most precise position for your button press to register the pick-up! This results in many more frustrating deaths during the heat of the moment. The design of this game is also critically flawed. The developers want you to run and gun quickly while dual wielding, but doing so will result in your death as you'll be randomly shot from every single direction. The only way to beat this game is to duck and cover like a fucking pussy which is completely counter-intuitive to the franchise. Almost every encounter with enemies begins with stealth encounters pushed upon the player. I'm playing Wolfenstein, the original run and gun shooter and I absolutely do not want to be attempting stealth against some of the worst enemy AI in recent history. Sneak around stupid cunt enemies and shoot the commanders every single time. It gets boring. If the stealth centred around set-pieces I wouldn't have minded so much but it appears in every arena scenario. It's a shame that the standard FPS gameplay is so abysmal as that's the only other alternative and stealth is actually the better option. I also don't understand why there is a Hub area in the Evas Hammer Submarine. It is absolutely fucking pointless and an absolute chore in maximum regard. The missions forced upon the player in this uninspired, boring piece of fuck is almost enough to quit this game entirely. Did anyone even play-test this convoluted mess? Literally nothing fucking works well and all of these problems could've easily been rectified if someone had the balls to tell Machine Games. Even reviewers are scared to give this game the low review score it deserves. Reading 'legitimate' reviews is almost like reading some of our terrible satire as all of our glaring omissions are raised as positives. I bet that Bethesda fucking pay-packet must've been substantial on this one. - For literally half the game, the player has to deal with a mopey cunt moaning and crying about everything.
- Better yet, you're also literally handicapped during this time and only have 50% of your health.
- I understand the developers are trying to portray weakness and suffering, but fuck me dead, don't cripple your game in the process.
- I hated BJ so much during the first half of the game, it felt great watching his head get cut off. I was actually hoping he was permanently dead and the game would end there.
- Fuck me the scenery is shit.
- I've already extensively pointed out about the lack of a civilised America, but that's not the only glaring problem with the scenery. The entire thing is uninspired.
- The New Order had so many interesting locales including Concentration camps and insane asylums. The New Colossus? Wastelands and enemy bases!
- There is no inspiration in the locales and best parts remind me of the worst parts from The New Order.
- Enemies are no different. I won't forget seeing the robot dogs from the first game any time soon. However in the New Collossus, the enemies are so generic and robotic I can't even remember what any of them look like.
- Same as the bosses. Just generic, giant robots that you shoot to death while cowering between a crack in the wall.
- The story is shit.
- I don't care for any of the characters as they're all laughing stocks and this includes Hitler.
- Hitler should've been an intimidated occurrence after all the anticipation from the first game and finally seeing the cunt, but no, he's a laughing stock. Yes, he's old and cenile but he should not have been a complete joke.
- This is a huge gripe for the story in general.
- It wants to be grotesque and ultra-violent like the first game, but at the same time it wants to be funny.
- You can't do both as they cancel each other out.
- This game is filled with contradictions in so many forms its ridiculous. The set pieces are just so incredibly forced.
- The collectibles are fucking shit. The star cards are laughable crap.
- I don't want to kill more Commanders. They were the worst part of the game.
- The extra information found in elements throughout the levels are BORING!! Fuck off.
- All the characters are faggets.
- Anya rips her shirt and bra off why?
- Fuck this game!
- God there's so many problems to point out. Fuck!!
- I'm overwhelmed with issues, I don't think I can continue!
- I fucking hate Evas Hammer.
- Engel's death at the end is paltry and rushed.
- BJ's head cut off and then saved? Lol!!
- No Mecha Hitler?
- No assassination of hitler is a fucking joke.
- I can't believe you don't cut Engel's head off!
- The weapons suck.
- Everything sucks!!!
- Don't play it.
- Don't listen to the positive reviews.
- I've missed plenty of problems of this games but I just can't handle fucking thinking about it anymore.
- I'm so glad I'm done and never have to play that fucking piece of shit ever again!!!
- Gah....
- I'm a real journalist. Look at me typing!
- This game is great. Where's my money bags!!!
- sdjgusakdghsaoiakjaflkfafikhfdafda
If you actually read this, sorry. Thanks though!
All in all, fuck you Wolfenstein: The New Collossus. We gave the opinion piece you deserve - a fucking shit one with no effort!
- Can I play Daddy? Even Blazkowicz's face looks shit in the difficulty select!
 that we're going to turn this into E...){kind=link}