Xbox 'Elite X' Controller Leaked



Information pertaining another un-announced first party controller from Microsoft for Xbox and PC has leaked via a strange link on their American website. The controller in question seems to confuse innovation with convolution as it appears that options to the end-user are plentiful, to the point where it could potentially be catastrophic.

'Elite X' is the name of the leaked controller in question, and it wasn't an overly difficult task for the 'hacker' who found the almost readily available information online by accident. Chubbs Tubber is a seven year old fat kid from Alabama who was initially searching for the McDonald's menu through the Hotbot search engine on his Netscape browser with a 1996 IBM computer via a 26kb/s dial-up modem found in the dumpster behind Walmart, but little did he know that his search auto-corrected his borderline autistic spelling of "Micrdosontds" into 'Microsoft'. Barely being able to read, Chubbs continued to click on random links which brought him to the official 'Microsoft' front page - where the leaked information was found.

All I wanted to know is what had the most fat content on the McDonald's menu so I could get my 600lb mother to roll down the hill and eat it for me, then bounce back up on her gut like a trampoline and regurgitate it on the floor so I could then eat it too. I can't read for shit because the fat on my head is penetrating my juicy brain and trying to eat its cells so I didn't realise I was on the Microsoft website. I clicked on a few links in desperation to find the food menu and that's when I flubbed upon the weird controller. I decided to post to Twitter asking if it would be edible and that's when I had my tweet go viral.

Chubbs Tubber. His disgusting image is blurred out not for his protection, but for yours.

 As the screenshot below illustrates, the unannounced information wasn't exactly hard to find:



Once you've laughed at the desperate plea for honesty on the internet, you'll be treated to one of the most bizarre controllers set for release in all of our lifetimes - The Xbox 'Elite X' controller:

Communistic gaming? Playstation buttons on an Xbox controller? An absolutely absurd teaser to say the least! The further we dived into the readily available information, the more insane the premise of the controller became. I just couldn't comprehend what in the flying fuck was going on at Microsoft's Xbox division, so I reached out to our good friend Bill Gates for clarification. To our surprise, he responded to our speculation.

EE: What the fuck Bill.

BG: The Elite X controller is revolutionary and is going to change the fortunes of the Xbox brand. We've been getting our asses handed to us in the highly competitive video game industry lately but we recently finally nailed our hardware after several years of trying. Unfortunately the consumer has stated that they still want more games. It was a very vague statement that stumped the best of us in executive positions for several years until we just recently deciphered it. Gamers want more game controllers. The answer was in front of our faces the whole fucking time but it finally clicked. The standard, Elite and custom controllers simply seem to be not enough. So after an extremely long meeting at the bar which involved many shots, lines of cocaine and a bunch of crack-head hookers from the nearby alleyway, the answer dawned upon us. That answer is the Elite X controller.

During that fucked up bender which has already seen one of our executives die from a case of severe genital warts, we wrote all of our ideas on a stained piece of paper and that became the blueprint. It's just a wonderful product that is going to be incredibly popular once it reaches shelves.



EE: Are there any extra components and features not listed on the bare bones leaked website?

BG: Dude there are tons! There are 103 buttons on the Elite X controller, all in un-ergonomic positions which are almost impossible to use during normal gameplay. There's a speaker that shouts random abuse at you, a taser to shock yourself, an option to call the SWAT team on yourself and a laser that points right into your retina while you play to make you blind. The main concept of the Elite X controller is to be the most useless piece of shit on the market, as that's what seems to appeal to our target market. Those people consume the most fucked up content on social media and this controller is in the same vein and will no doubt go viral on those platforms for the same reason.

To be brutally honest, our executive board also wants our customers to feel pain as we think they're all a bunch of stupid, pathetic faggets for being dumb enough to buy into the Xbox brand that we clearly fucked up on purpose before launch. The Xbox One concept was a marketing ploy to see how loyal customers can be to a company, despite it making a ridiculous amount of obvious blunders and suicidal decisions. We witnessed Nintendo do similar studies on its player base with the N64, GC, and Wii U plus Sony with the PS3, and we thought it would be a good idea to gain some data for ourselves. The Elite X controller is a product designed to punish its user for being led into this position from a scummy corporate company and teach them a lesson in the process. It makes me feel pretty damn good knowing some dumb cunt is actually going to use this weapon on themselves and probably live-stream the interaction to desperately try to gain 2 or 3 likes. A tough lesson to learn, particularly if they kill us all with the nuke button before Trump does! *laughs*


EE: Are you pissed off that one of your incompetent employees leaked the Elite X on the Microsoft website before it was scheduled to be?

BG: I've terminated the said employee already.

EE: It certainly seems like ending their employment was the right course of measure.

BG: Lose their job? *laughs* I fucking killed the cunt! I made it appear like I accepted their apology and gave them an Elite X controller prototype as a means of moving forward. They died yesterday. Don't mess with Bill "The Billy GOAT" Gates bitch!

We here at Era Error can confirm that the employee who accidentally leaked the 'Elite X' controller online is in fact deceased. Bill Gates has a history of homicidal tendencies which we have covered previously. Don't mess with the 'Billy GOAT' ladies and gentlemen.