A pathetic 20-something year old man has committed social suicide over the weekend by attempting to play a few songs from the infamous but now lambasted Guitar Hero franchise at his local house party. Several reports have since surfaced online including one from Cameron (the man himself) about the situation which went down, with all painting an incredibly embarrassing conclusion.
We'll begin the story with Kamikaze Cameron's rendition of what happened:
"I honestly don't know what happened. I was hosting a house party in my basement suite on Saturday night and it was absolutely banging. The bass was cranking, the smoke machine and lasers were tripping people out but most importantly there were smoking hot, thirsty bitches everywhere eyeing me off the whole night and all my jock mates were super tanked. I was pretty sure the whole entire party was about to eclipse into a full on orgy and start fucking each other at a whim but it just needed one more element to push it over the edge.
I know how to get chicks dripping wet so I wasted no time in pulling my kiddy, plastic guitar out of the cupboard. This was no ordinary Guitar Hero either, this was the OG version from the PS2 era! The women at the party were salivating at both pairs of their lips when I turned the music off and flicked the old piece of shit CRT on in the corner and started mashing buttons to Smoke on the Water in the easiest difficulty setting. I even belted out the lyrics!
The reaction was absolutely insane. Everyone started stripping down, ready to to give in to their urges while I selected the next song to play. I had to throw Bethany Andrews off me as she was trying to suck my dick in front of everyone, but alas I had one more song to play. I cranked Boston's More Than A Feeling and unfortunately that was the last moment I remember.
I woke up really sore on my floor yesterday morning and everyone was gone. In fact a lot of my possessions had gone missing as well. The place was fucking trashed. I also took a good look in the mirror and I noticed I was missing an ear and an eyeball. I didn't care though, because they were all clearly repercussion's of one of the best orgy's of all time! I don't want to discount my loss of a couple of fingers on my right hand either, but we all know how I must of lost them, if you know what I mean hehe."
 |
| How Kamikaze Cam perceived proceedings. |
Interestingly enough, we reached out to Bethany Andrews for her angle which tells a completely different story which matches other witnesses descriptions:
"I absolutely did not proposition Kamikaze Cameron to give him fellatio! There were like 7 loser nerds at his party who were looking for a reason to escape the embarrassing shitshow. The only reason we were there was because one of the geeks attending live-streamed the ordeal to Facebook which we happened to notice and decided to see the joke of a gathering for ourselves to ridicule Cameron first hand.
When my girlfriends and I arrived, Cameron immediately got an erection and started prouncing around his filthy basement suite over confidently and bizarrely decided to pull out his piece of shit Guitar Hero game to impress us. It was just insanely hilarious and we couldn't stop laughing at his pathetic antics. It was so shamefully bad that we all tried to make Cameron stop playing, but it was clearly an unintended kamikaze mission. He just wouldn't stop. He. Just. Wouldn't. Stop!!! A couple of nerds felt it was necessary to try and put him out of his misery for his own good, which is how he sustained his injuries. He deserved what he got if you're asking for my opinion. Playing Guitar Hero is so gay that even homosexual people have disowned the game. What a fucking loser!"
A Facebook post from another person at the party details just what physical damage Kamikaze Cam endured:
"You can thank me and my fellow Library Book Club nerds for ending the embarrassment of watching someone play Guitar Hero in 2017 last night. We had no choice but to use drastic measures to end our trauma and finally stop Cam. We had to bite off his ear, fingers and literally rip out his eyeball with a rusty screwdriver in desperation to make the cunt stop. It finally did the trick thank god.
We called the Police thinking there would be some repercussions but apparently it's legal to stop someone playing Guitar Hero at all costs."
As Sergent Qwikskope states, the Book Club Nerd's actions are in fact completely legal:
"The government quickly passed the Guitar Hero Defence ACT of 2008 just for this scenario. I'm surprised none of you kids have seen the warning ads which have been running on Myspace still to this day. No one in their right mind should be caught playing Guitar Hero in public. It's classified as a more heinous crime than mass murder! It's effects on a human's conscience is truly traumatic and can cause psychotic PTSD symptoms to many due to the cringe levels of pity emitted from someone witnessing the act in person. In my opinion Cameron should've been killed and is lucky to be alive.
My colleagues and myself felt like Kamikaze Cameron deserved a little bit more punishment to teach him a lesson, so we decided to invite a bunch of known rioters over to trash the fucking shit out of his suite and steal some of his crap while we picked up and shook his motionless body around. My daughter loves Cameron's TV in her bedroom by the way!"
 | |
| What Actually Happened. |
 |
| A Myspace ad still running today. |
We decided to reach Kamikaze Cam's Parents to see if anyone actually cares about his well being in any capacity, to which we received this response:
"Son? We haven't had a son for years. We disowned that fucking loser when we found out he bought Guitar Hero Live in October 2015."
Well there you have it fellow Errorians. If you value your life, not just social, then stay the fuck away from Guitar Hero. I presume this also applies to Rock Band.
