Loot Boxes Are The Best Innovation To Ever Happen To Gaming


If you've ever played an online centric video game over the past couple of years you've probably noticed an industry trend appearing more and more frequently. Loot boxes are randomised virtual items which are given to players as a reward for grinding away & wasting their life to earn one. They're also given to people who are fucking shit at games but happen to have a credit card lying around and are willing to pay for one. The latter scenario is essentially a form of monetization which allows publishers to mine lazy players for money and give them crappy little rewards in return.

Most gamers hate Loot Boxes for the virus they are becoming to the industry, but I couldn't disagree more with that opinion. Loot boxes are fucking sick and are single handedly the best innovation to ever happen to gaming.

Loot boxes began as a fairly innocuous initiative to reward players for completing challenges in video games. If you performed well or completed a task, a game would reward you with a random inventory drop - aka a loot box. They have been fairly common place in online shooters or card games for some time now.

Unfortunately for us, revenue is like a drug for many video game CEO's and they're always looking for a way to make a quick buck. Eventually during an executive meeting one of those CEO's (usually the head of a fuckwit publisher like 2K, EA or Activision) will take their shirt off in front of other members of the board and start rubbing their fat, grotesque stomachs to signify that they've finally figured out how to rort a new industry trend which will satisfy their greed for currency. This moment has been known to become quite erotic and powerful and is commonly referred to as "Grubby Tubby Greed" by those that have witnessed it first hand.

As you may have guessed, Loot Boxes have been identified by many gaming CEO's for worship in their Grubby Tubby Greed rituals on a number of occasions, and it has triggered events in history which illustrates this prominently.

Grubby Tubby Greed.

Free to play games were one of the first genres to begin heavily utilising loot systems as a way to generate revenue. They gave players the option to pay to unlock loot crates instead of grinding away their precious time for minimal reward. People didn't seem to care too much about this as you didn't have to invest to advance further into the game if you didn't want to. Options usually aren't a bad thing and players understood that developers needed to make a living somehow. There was a balance to be had.

Unfortunately balance isn't a word that exists in the world of sloppy, shameless CEO's.

Publishers soon identified that paid loot sytems create a steady revenue stream from the same user base who had already invested into their eco-system, so they started to integrate the structure into games which already had an upfront cost for purchase. Gamers decided to also let this somewhat slide as they didn't have to make any further purchases if they didn't want to and could continue to play their video games in a traditional method. They weren't happy but rose above and ignored its implementation.

CEO's quickly noticed the financial results of loot crate systems were off the fucking chain and making crazy amounts of money. Grubby Tubby Greed ceremony's were increasingly becoming more fucked up and common place as revenue reached insane peaks never possibly conceived before and bosses were getting higher than space cadets.

Like any junkie addicted to a drug, the executives wanted more. Loot systems kept becoming more and more intrusive on full priced games to the point of what we're witnessing today. They're fucking everywhere, spreading like a new age plague which knows no bounds. If you want to do anything in a full priced AAA title today, you're going to bloody pay for it. You can't simply select an item you want to purchase in a menu which should've already been included in the game for free anymore. (geez we've reached the point where that's a tolerable scenario) Noooo! You need to buy a loot box and hope the item you want randomly appears. Don't hold your breath.

At this stage you're probably wondering where my promised positive point to the Loot Systems is. Well it took me this long writing to make one up to justify the headline so here it is. The problem is you need to change your perspective. If you start thinking like a member of the very loud but incredibly fucking retarded minority of today it will all make sense.

You see, loot crates offer shit players with no skill a way to compete with talented gamers. These types of players have had to suffer being destroyed by mediocre people in online game modes for too long. It's not fair for people who practice and train their abilities to have an upper hand on a lazy piece of shit who can only concentrate with an input device for only five minutes before giving up. Enabling those people to pay with their credit cards for everything to give them an extreme advantage has leveled the playing field which fits with the motto of today's society that everyone should be treated as equal. If you believe in yourself and have a credit card, you can achieve anything! That's what life was always about and now video games is no different!

Loot systems are a touchy subject to many gamers and I felt some sort of journalistic responsibility grow inside of me to do some investigating and interview some of these slimy CEO's behind the loot crate epidemic to see if they have any integrity at all.



Unfortunately the only responses I received were nothing but routine, lifeless PR statements which contained little to no substance. However I did notice one peculiar recurring component which could be found in each individual reply and I've documented one below to illustrate it:
Activision and its other beloved members of council who worship the higher power have a proud history representing the video game industry and always strive to hold the consumer's best interests first when planning and implementing our strategic systems into our rich eco-systems...
Beloved members of the higher power. What the hell could that mean? I decided to take a different route and ask some ex-employees of now defunct developers who were dissolved by their evil respective publishers instead.

Eventually my thread post on 4chan received a bite from an anonymous user who added a little fuel to the mystery with information which absolutely must be true:

This is a deep, dark secret of the video game industry that I am revealing to you today. Every video game company which identifies as a publisher must register with the "council" to receive their licence to publish.

The council is a secretive society much like the infamous Illuminati that controls the comings and goings of all facets of the video game industry. Every publisher's CEO is initiated into a board member to ensure they all share the same goal of ultimate greed. It may shock you but no game, feature, event etc. was a natural creation of human will. It had already been decided by the council before the idea was even discussed by a developer, marketer, streamer etc. and especially before being revealed. Every decision is calculated to maximise revenue so they can all get high as fuck and nothing else.

When you think deeper about it, the whole thing kind of makes sense. The publisher always has the final say on anything in the video game industry, so its no surprise that they conspire together and combine their powers to fuck us all over. What may surprise you though is that god is real. Well the video game god at least.

Whichever publisher made the most money in a financial year, their respective CEO is then elevated to god status and has the ultimate say in any decision in the video game industry. Unfortunately one publisher maintained that title for too many consecutive years and the power corrupted its CEO and he's now out of control. The power of god has gone to his head and he needs to be stopped. Loot systems are just the beginning. He has more evil ideas within that realm which the council has just unanimously approved. It's this idea which my company disagreed with as its morally wrong and the bastards shut us down as a consequence. Disagreeing with publisher wishes is the #1 reason why developers shutdown.

Did you also ever wonder if there was another reason why publisher CEO's perform that fucked up Grubby Tubby Greed ritual? Well they're actually praying to the gamer god!

I was planning to go to the grave with this information just like anyone else who knows but those god damn fucking loot boxes pushed me over the edge to blab. They're just so obnoxious and intrusive. It's about time these publishers pay instead of the consumer. I hope you give them hell!!

The 4Chan thread also had a mysterious link posted by another anonymous user which I clicked without any remote thought. I assumed it was going to be some fucked up hardcore porn or weird shit of that nature, but I was disappointed to find out that it transported my browser into a strange RPG-like video game instead. I used the cursors to move my character around the environment which resembled a typical office space, until I found an area plated in gold which had an in-scripted sign out the front which stated "GOD's LAIR". I proceeded to enter.

As I walked in I saw him. The Video Game GOD. He was fat as fuck and glazed in gold. I wasted no time as this article has once again gone way too long and I yelled to him "Oi! Fat cunt! What are your plans and how do I stop them??

He then went on a brief typical video game boss like tangent:

VGG: "You've finally arrived journalist, as was your destiny all along."

EE: "Dude I'm just writing an article, can you get on with it?"

VGG: "My plans are simple. I get high off money. My council gets high off money. We always need more money....

Our initiatives in the lucrative Loot Crate business has been paying dividends. Fifa 18 just released and we are making an absolutely fuck-ton on Fifa Ultimate Team cards. It's like crack cocaine for us! However I'm ready to start taking some Heroin. We need even more money and there's only one way. CHILDREN!!"




   EE: "God not another pedophile. Fuck off pedo..."

VGG: "LISTEN! I'm not here to touch kids. I'd become a softball coach, primary school teacher or scout leader if I wanted to do that. I want to make money off children and loot crates is the only way I can induce kiddies to gamble legally. They just can't resist it. Once a kid gets a hold of their dopey parents credit card, it's infinite money! It's the next logical step to exploit.

First I'll release a Thomas The Tank Engine video game which only unlocks extra content with random loot crates purchased by money. We'll hide the Loot system behind parental controls for this release to give parents a false sense of security. Then we'll keep creating shitty children's games with more and more intrusive Loot Systems, until one release, when we'll forget to hide the Loot System behind parental controls and have it completely accessible by toddler children. We'll tell the press that it was nothing but a bug and that we'll squash it with an update, which will hide our shady intentions. Until eventually, it becomes common place and the council and myself will have infinite money forever!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

EE: "Not if I can do anything about it fatty!"  - I typed into the speech box as I made my avatar run towards the Gamer God and began to attack him mercilessly.

The Gamer God started to move erratically around the screen in aggressive patterns reminiscent of many NES/SNES era bosses and he fucked me up in quite a quick fashion. Unfortunately I didn't realise this browser game was perma-death and I didn't get a second attempt to remedy my first attempt.

I guess Loot Boxes are here to stay. I know I told you that I thought Loot Boxes were amazing but I was just desperate for your virtual attention. Did this article end like you thought it would?

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