Loot boxes are randomised, virtual items given to players as a reward for wasting their lives in a video game. Most importantly for publishers, they're also given to shit, impatient players who are willing to pay for one — or a thousand. It's a corporate greed plaguing our beloved pastime.
Loot boxes began as a fairly innocuous initiative to reward players for completing challenges. If you performed well or completed a task, you'd be rewarded with a random inventory drop — a loot box.
Unfortunately the innocence of the mechanic would not last long.
Revenue is a drug for video game CEO's and they're always looking for a way to make a quick buck. It never takes long for the head of a fuckwit publisher like 2K, EA or Activision to figure out how to rort a new trend to satisfy their greed, and when they do, it gets a little weird.
It's well known within industry circles for CEO's to take their shirt off in front of other board members and start rubbing their fat, grotesque stomachs to celebrate a new consumer gouging technique. This has been known to become quite erotic and powerful and is commonly referred to as a Greed Ceremony.
The exploitation of Loot Boxes was the subject of one of those celebrations.
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| A Greed Ceremony. |
Free to play was one of the first genres to utilise loot as a way to generate revenue, giving players an option to unlock crates with money instead of grinding away for minimal reward. People didn't mind as it wasn't required to invest to advance further if you didn't want to. Options aren't a bad thing and players understood that developers needed to make a living somehow. There was a balance to be had.
Unfortunately balance isn't a word that exists in the world of scummy CEO's.
Publishers soon identified that paid loot systems created a steady revenue stream from the same users already invested in their eco-system, so they integrated the structure into games that already had an upfront cost. Gamers didn't have to make any further purchases if they didn't want to and could continue to play their video games traditionally if they chose so they rose above and ignored its implementation.
CEO's noticed loot crate systems were now making crazy amounts of money. Greed ceremony's were becoming more constant and fucked up as revenue reached peaks never possibly conceived and executives were getting higher than space cadets.
Like any junkie addicted to a drug, the executives wanted more. Loot systems became more intrusive on full priced games to the point of what we're witnessing today. They're fucking everywhere, spreading like a plague which knows no bounds. You can't even select an item you want to purchase in a menu which should've already been included in the game for free anymore. You'll need to buy a loot box for the CHANCE that item randomly appears with undisclosed — and no doubt unfair — odds. Don't hold your breath.
We felt some sort of journalistic responsibility come upon us and decided to interview some slimy CEO's behind the loot crate epidemic to see if they have any integrity at all.
Unfortunately we only received routine, lifeless PR statements which contained no substance. However we did notice one peculiar, recurring component found in each reply which is documented below to illustrate it:
"Activision and its other beloved members of council who worship the higher power have a proud history representing the video game industry. We always strive to hold the consumer's best interests first when planning and implementing our strategic systems into our rich eco-systems."
What the hell could that mean? We decided to ask some ex-employees of defunct developers dissolved by evil corporate publishers for an alternative perspective..
Eventually my thread post on 4chan received a bite from an anonymous user who added fuel to the mystery which absolutely must be true.
"This is a deep, dark secret of the video game industry that I am revealing to you today. Every game company which identifies as a publisher must register with the 'Council' to receive a licence to publish. The Council is a secretive society like the Illuminati that controls all facets of the video game industry. Every publisher's CEO is initiated as a board member to ensure they all share the goal of ultimate greed."
"This may shock you but no game, feature, event etc. was a natural creation of human will. It was already decided by the Council before the idea was even thought of by outsiders. Every decision is calculated to maximise revenue so they can all get high as fuck off money and absolutely nothing else."
"When you think about it, it all makes sense. The publisher always has the final say on anything in video games, so it's no surprise that they conspire to fuck us all over. Also, God is real. Well the video game God at least."
"Whichever publisher makes the most money in a financial year, their CEO is elevated to God status and can suggest anything pertaining to the industry. Unfortunately one CEO became corrupted after maintaining the position for too many years and he's now out of control. Loot systems are just the beginning. He has more evil ideas which the council has just approved."
"I would've come out earlier with this information after my company was closed down for defying our publisher's request to remove assets for future DLC, but they threatened to hurt to my family if I spoke. This loot box bullshit pushed me over the edge though."
"Also, did you also ever wonder why CEO's really perform that psychotic Greed Ceremonies? They're praying to the gamer god!"
The 4Chan thread also had a link posted by an anonymous user which we clicked without hesitation. We were hoping it was some extremely NSFW video that would get us fired but were disappointed to find our browser turned into a strange RPG-like video game instead. We used the cursors to move around a rendered office space, until we found a gold in-scripted called "God's Lair". We proceeded to enter.
It was indeed the video game God — fat as fuck and glazed in gold. We asked what his plans were.
"My plans are simple. I get high off money. My Council gets high off money. We always need more money...."
"Our initiatives in the lucrative Loot Crate business are paying dividends. Fifa 18 just released and we are making an absolutely fuck-ton on Ultimate Team cards. It's like crack for us! However I'm ready to start taking heroin. We need even more money and there's only one way. CHILDREN!"
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| Great. Yet another pedophile. |
"I'm not here to touch kids either. I'd become a softball coach, primary school teacher or scout leader if I wanted to do that. Loot crates are the only way I can induce kiddies to gambling legally. They just can't resist it. Once a kid gets a hold of their dopey parents credit card, it's infinite money! It's the next logical step to exploit."
"First we'll release a Thomas The Tank Engine game which only unlocks content with purchased loot crates locked behind a parental lock to give parents a false sense of security. With each new children's release, the systems will become more intrusive. Then one day we'll allow the Loot System to be completely accessible by toddlers. We'll tell the press it was a bug that we'll squash which will hide our intentions. Until eventually, it'll become so common place that we'll have infinite money forever!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
The Gamer God then moved erratically and aggressively around the screen like an 8 or 16-bit era boss and fucked us up in quite a fashion. Unfortunately we didn't realise this browser game was perma-death and we didn't get a second attempt to defeat him.
I guess Loot Boxes are here to stay.
