Child Devotes Life To Becoming Douchebag Gamer

Little Billy Jones has been playing "mature" video games since he was 5 years old and truly believes he has what it takes to be the undisputed obnoxious gamer of the world.

Jones is proving to be an inspiration to every shit-head little kid and he's taken the time to document his inspirational story exclusively to

"When I first decided to get serious about obnoxious gaming, I started to disrespect my Mother. That bitch was always hounding me to do homework or have dinner. I'd be in my room chucking a tantrum because I was killed with a quick-scope 360 in COD of Cunty and she'd barge in telling me to turn off the game. Normally I'd be submissive and scared because she's the ticket to the next game I'll lose my shit at, but not any more. I needed to show her that despite my balls not dropping into manhood yet that I was the man of the house. That's right fuck you Dad, I'm the king! You couldn't play Kirby's Epic Yarn without dying you piece of shit."

"Anyway, I stopped copping her shit. Now if she ever tries to control me while I'm playing online with my older, mature buddies, I just screech at her and threaten to tell everyone that she touches me. It always manages to rile up all my pedophile friends with excitement."

Billy Jones says he already has an illustrious career being a shithead while playing games and the un-diagnosed ADHD sufferer believes being signed by a major conglomerate confirms this.

"I've been playing violent and aggressive video games since I was 5 years old. Some people began with baby games like Mario, Sonic or the brilliant Bubsy but not me. My Dad had never heard of parental lock so I would sneakily kill as many innocent pedestrians in GTA as possible while everyone slept." 

"As I became older I found the 'Lad Bible of Gaming' — Call of DOOOTY — which changed my life forever. I'd find arousing pleasure being as obnoxious as possible online, by being racist and sexist, Taking other people's kills, ruining everyone's game plan by being a fuckwit, killing my own team-mates and rage-quitting if a 40 year old virgin got the better of me. And how could I forget the pleasure of Noob-Tubing people in World at War! If my actions annoyed anyone on the other end of my deliberately capped dial-up internet connection which lagged like 1993, my nub would get a hard on."

"Eventually my talent became noticed in real life and propelled me to where I am today. I still remember a trip to the mall where I forced my Mum to stop at a Nintendo Kiosk with Mario Kart 8. I was blitzing the shit out of the computer on Shy Guy Falls, and a crowd of people gathered to bathe in my glory. In no time the finish line was in my grasp and I felt like I was about to win the Super Bowl. Then I heard a honing sound — A blue shell. I pressed harder on the A button like it was actually going to do something but it was too late. That god damn mother-fucking blue shell fucked me right up the asshole. I finished in 7th place."

"People were laughing at me and calling me a spastic. Even my Mum was in hysterics and spat her gum at me. My anger could not be contained. My face went red and I screamed. I grabbed that piece of shit Wii U Gamepad and threw it into the TV. It smashed the screen and it felt so good, so I ran to the Fischer Price console (Wii U) and destroyed that too. I said the word Cunt at least 12 times which has more impact when you are 8 years old and people were shocked. Well except the one person that counted — A Mountain Dew executive scouting for talent."

Mountain Dew's Sven Upp had this to say:

"It was the best tantrum I've ever seen. Bloody work of art if you ask me!"

"PepsiCo is always on the look out for talent to promote our brands. We realised after hiring Britney Spears in 2001 that if our contracted stars have a meltdown, it increases our advertising penetration. Now we only employ people suffering from an obvious mental illness. We're always trying to maintain our stranglehold on the video game beverage sector and Little Billy Jones ticked all of the boxes. He's been the face of Game Fuel since 2013 after 343 Industries tragically murdered Master Chief. (RIP)"

Little Billy demonstrating to his Mum that she doesn't know shit.

But will Little Billy Jones continue his professional trolling career long into the future?

"Absol-fucking-lutely!! I'm doing what everyone wishes they could be doing — trolling to the highest degree and being paid for the publicity. A normal person thinks the things I say but isn't allowed to say them. I'm now 12 years old and doing better than most... Especially you, you fucking pathetic wannabe journalist with no qualifications in the field whatsoever!"

The best part is if I ever cross the line and the media picks up on my usage of the N word, homophobic slurs or incites for people to commit suicide for sucking at games, I can just play the mental health card. What a wonderful, progressive society we live in. No discipline. It's fucking brilliant!! Even if a publisher tries to ban me for my actions, PepsiCo pays them off so I can continue stirring up controversy. Any publicity is good publicity in the gaming world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

After this delightful conversation with such an inspirational youth, Era Error has decided to investigate its options for entering the scene as a sponsor. Look forward to hearing more information in the not too distant future.