Child Devotes Life To Becoming Ultimate Douchebag Gamer

A 12 year old boy has decided to devote the rest of his life into becoming what he perceives as the ultimate gamer. Little Billy Jones has been playing "mature" video games since he was 6 years old and truly believes he has what it takes to be classified as the undisputed obnoxious gamer of the world. Jones is proving to be an inspiration to every shit-head little kid all over the globe and he's taken the time to document his inspirational story exclusively to
When I first decided that I was going to get serious about my obnoxious gaming, I immediately started to disrespect my Mother. That bitch was always hounding me to do homework or go and have dinner. I was fucking sick of her nagging! She's always been good for nothing. Every time I'd be in my room chucking a massive tantrum because some dildo killed me with a quick-scope 360 in COD of Cunty, she'd come barging in telling me to turn off the game. I'd normally be submissive and scared because she has the power of my pocket-money and is the token to the next new game I'll inevitably lose my shit at, but not any more. I changed. I needed to show her that despite my balls not resending into manhood yet that I was the man of the house. That's right fuck you too Dad! I'm the king!! You couldn't play fucking Kirby's Epic Yarn without dying you fat piece of shit!

Anyway back on the topic of my scrag mother. I stopped copping her shit. Now if she ever tries to control me while I'm playing online with the rest of my pedophile buddies, I just scream at her at the highest pitch possible and threaten to tell everyone that she touches me. She always backs away after that threat and it always manages to rile up all my mature online buddies with excitement.

Billy Jones says he already has an illustrious career being an absolute shithead while playing games online, and the presumed undiagnosed ADHD sufferer believes being signed as an ambassador by a major conglomerate exemplifies this:
I've been playing super hardcore, violent and aggressive video games since I was 4 years old because I'm the sickest kid going around. Some people began with baby games like Mario, Sonic or the brilliant Bubsy but not me. My Dad had never heard of parental lock so I would sneak in the lounge room when everyone was asleep and kill as many innocent pedestrians in GTA as possible. As I became older I found the 'Lad Bible of Gaming' - Call of DOOOTY - and a gaming microphone lying around which changed my life forever. I'd find arousing pleasure being the most obnoxious person possible during online matches, which would include but not limited to: being racist and sexist to my opponents, Taking other people's hard earned kills and ruining everyone's game plan by being a fuckwit in strategic play-modes, Simply killing my own team-mates to piss people off and I'd also rage-quit if a 40 year old basement lard-tard got the better of me. And how could I forget the pleasure of Noob-Tubing people in World at War! Those were the days. Essentially if my actions annoyed anyone on the other end of my internet connection which was deliberately capped to dial-up speed so I'd lag like 1993, my nub would get a hard on. I became addicted to feeling gamers misery. It was my calling!

Eventually my talent started becoming noticed in real life and it's propelled me to where I find myself today. The first instance was during a family trip to a local shopping centre where I forced my Mum to stop at a Nintendo Kiosk which was served by a dipshit attendee who didn't know the difference between Wii and Wii U. Mario Kart 8 was the upcoming marquee title at the time and I was enticed to give the preview build a go. I was absolutely blitzing the shit out of the computer on Shy Guy Falls, to the point that a crowd of people gathered around me to bathe in my glory. In no time the finish line was in view and in my grasp. The crowd was going nuts at my impending achievement like I was about to win the SuperBowl. Then I heard a honing sound. A blue shell was looming. I pressed harder on the A button like it was actually going to make me go faster but it was all for nothing. That god damn mother-fucking blue shell fucked me right up the asshole. It collided with me mere centimetres before the line and I finished in 7th place.

People were laughing at me and calling me an interbred spastic. Even my Mum was in hysterics and spat her chewing gum at me. My anger could not be contained. My face went red. I screamed. I grabbed that piece of shit controller and threw it as hard as I could into the TV in a fit of pre-pubescent angst. It smashed the screen and it felt so good. I immediately ran to the Fischer Price console (Wii U) and threw that into the ground too. I said the word Cunt at least 12 times which has more impact when you are under 12 years old and people were shocked. Well except the one person that counted. A Mountain Dew Executive who was scouting for talent.
Mountain Dew Executive Sven Upp had this to say:
It was the best tantrum I've ever seen. Bloody work of art if you ask me!

PepsiCo is always on the look out for talent to promote our brands. We realised after hiring Britney Spears in 2001 that if our contracted ambassadors have a public meltdown, it increases our advertising penetration and awareness. Since then we've always looked to employ people suffering an obvious mental illness with a high chance of a breakdown. We're always trying to maintain our stranglehold on the video gaming beverage sector and Little Billy Jones ticked all of the boxes. He's been the face of our Game Fuel brand since 2013 once we removed Master Chief as our mascot due to 343 Industries single handedly destroying the franchise.
Little Billy demonstrating to his Mum that she doesn't know shit.

When asked what keeps his passion of being a little cunt to gamers burning alive inside of him, he told us that PepsiCo have added financial incentives to his contract which keeps him keen:
What people don't understand is that there are more competitive sectors in the Video Game Industry than just Virgins battling it out in eSports while high on Adderall. Many people like to challenge each other in Speed Running for example. Well I compete in CheatComp™. CheatComp™ consists of climbing video game leaderboards by any means necessary. First place is not enough though. We're scored by how obvious it is that cheats were used to attain top top place. The more unrealistic or impossible the score is, the more points.

I'm competing against roughly 20 other competitors to win the title of CCCC (Champion Cheat Comp Cunt) of the year. To qualify, you need to be sponsored by a corporation's team. As stated earlier, I'm signed by Mountain Dew. Other competitors have been signed by many other diabetic/obese tending companies like Burger King, Dorito's (Our affiliate), Sour Patch Kids, Sprite (Our biggest rival), Monster Energy and Snickers. If I can finish first place on Battlefield 1 on all platforms with absolutely zero stats by using some extreme hacking skills, I'll receive a large sum of money in a sack by Activision for sabotaging their rival EA. If I can rack up 99999999999 points on NBA 2K18, PepsiCo will provide me compensation for pissing off a gaming community already past breaking point due to that games fucked up amount of micro-transactions.
Our last question asked Little Billy Jones if he thinks he will continue in his current profession long into the future:
Absol-fucking-lutely!! I'm living the dream right now! I'm doing what everyone wishes they could be doing - Trolling to the highest degree. A normal person thinks the things I say but isn't allowed to say them. People want to do the things I do but aren't allowed to do them. I'm 12 years old and doing better than most. Especially you, you fucking pathetic wannabe journalist with no qualifications in the field whatsoever!

The best part of my chosen path is if I ever cross the line and the media picks up on my usage of the N word, homophobic slurs or inciting people to commit suicide for sucking at games, I can just play the mental health card as I'm pretty sure I'm not all there. What a wonderful, progressive society we live in. No discipline. It's fucking brilliant!! Even if a developer or publisher tries to ban me for my actions, PepsiCo just pays them off so I can continue on my merry, immature way. I can do what I like and none of you can stop me!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
As eSports becomes a larger force in the competitive world, (In official and degenerate competitions) Era Error has decided to investigate its options for entering the scene as a sponsor. Look forward to hearing more information in this area in the not too distant future.