A video game journalist has exclaimed his right to be disgracefully shit at playing games, despite his job requiring him to be competent so he's able to give a legitimate assessment of his subject matter.
Don Tecmocarti has been a video game journalist for 21 years and despite his immense experience in the field, his skill level at all genres is an insult to Gamers. His hand eye co-ordination, critical thinking and basic problem solving is at such an abysmal level, his employers at Virtual Vindicator are not able to fire the fuck-wit because he's now classified as clinically retarded under the Soft-Cock Millennial Act of 2015.
Last week Mr Tecmocarti released a "Let's Play" video of the original Super Mario Bros. on Virtual Vindicator's Youtube channel and it rose to prominence immediately. The video eventually went viral much to the shock of Tecmocarti, as he'd made several hundred of them before to the same standard throughout his career.
Gamers were savage when they noticed Tecmocarti's abysmal ability at Super Mario Bros — one of the most basic and well known side-scrolling platformer's in existence — with their anger largely spurred at his arrogance and care-less demeanour over the matter. Many consider his actions and mentality an insult and are out for virtual blood.
Tecmocarti released this statement today, addressing the public's concerns about his skill level:
"It has come to my attention that many people seem to be aggravated by my video game playing ability. Well it's my right as a human to fail making it to the flag pole on the first Super Mario Bros stage. So what if I lost all my lives at the first Goomba? What's it to you if I can't make it past the first jump? Fuck you all. You're all a bunch of fascist, racist, sexist, Alt-right homophobes who have made me a victim for no reason! I shouldn't have to be good at gaming because it's my job to critique video games. That's just fucking stupid! Is the President of the United States any good at his job? Yeah I just used the Trump defence, which is one of my newly attained rights of the Gaping Giant Puss-hole Millennial Act of 2016. Talk to the hand or my psychiatrist about it, because I'm far too precious to deal with reality, actual facts and common sense!"
"Most journalists can't play games for shit either, so why pick on me? Most of them jumped into the industry today because they're all hipsters with no redeeming qualities and leech onto anything to pretend they have any personality, interests or talents. Being a loser nerd — or having a disgusting beard to hide your ugly fucking face — is cool at the moment so they're all sucking the sub-culture dry with their minimal interest and lack of knowledge. The second a different trend takes off, these lifeless snakes will be off pretending to be someone else."
"At least my excuse for being in the industry is different. 21 years ago when I was at a 7/11 buying stale candy and flicking through a video game magazine while I was blazed, some guy wearing a black cloak approached me and asked if I wanted to be a journalist. I said 'fuck yeah why not! What will I be covering?' He said that it didn't matter and that I started tomorrow. The next day I was in a dodgy little office writing about video games that I hadn't even seen except for a few screenshots and a boxart clipping. I asked my boss if I should be playing these games to give a fair assessment and he said 'Fuck you, you fat fucking cunt! You're writing reviews for 7 year old kids! They don't know if you're lying or not. They're all stupid little shits!' They were some of the wisest words ever spoken and I take that mentality with me to work every day."
"It doesn't matter who tells me to take my job more seriously because you all don't know shit. I've been in this industry for 21 years! I'm the fucking king and you should be thankful! It's either me or some loser Youtuber who thinks he's going to make it big by revealing that Super Mario Bros 2 is actually a clone of Doki Doki Panic! Even I know that you stupid fucks!"
"My 21 years of experience don't lie. If I suck at a game, that means the developers made a shit game and Super Mario Bros. is a perfect example of this. How was I supposed to know to run right instead of left? A to jump?? WTF!! Nothing told me to ram Wario's head into a brick for a ring boost. Stupid logic and I know gaming logic."
"How dare anyone question my ability. I'm a talented journalist and I don't deserve the hate I'm receiving after 21 years of supreme, legendary journalism. It's undeserved vitriol. I'm a victim, damn it. Victim! Fuck all of you gamer cunts!"
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| Don Tecmocarti truly believes that he's a victim... and that MadCatz rules... |
To make matters worse for Don, if you actually read any of Tecmocarti's articles, you'll notice that he sucks at being a journalist too and can't fact check or write for shit.
Don Tecmocarti's actions hurt game journalism at a time where there is already a large stigma around the quality of content being produced. Unfortunately Era Error falls into that category and we wish he would just shut the fuck up about it so we can continue to pretend we know what we're talking about for a little while longer.
In other completely unrelated news, Era Error is excited to announce that we've made a new hiring to our team of talented staff. Stay tuned for more info.
