Video Game Journalist Thinks It's OK That He Sucks At Gaming



A video games journalist has today exclaimed his right to be absolutely fucking disgracefully shit at playing video games, despite his job criteria requiring him to be competent playing them so he's able to give a fair and legitimate assessment of his subject matter.

Don Tecmocarti has been a video games journalist for 21 years and despite his immense experience in the field, his skill level at all genres is an absolute disgrace and insult to all video gamers out there. In fact his hand eye co-ordination, critical thinking and super basic problem solving is at such an abysmal level, his employers at Virtual Vindicator are not able to fire the fuckwit from his position because he is now classified as clinically retarded under the soft-cock millenial act of 2015.

Last week Mr Tecmocarti released a "Let's Play" video of the original Super Mario Bros. on Virtual Vindicator's Youtube channel and it rose to prominence immediately. The video circled many internet publications and eventually went viral worldwide much to the shock of Tecmocarti, as he didn't seem to think there was anything special about the video as he'd made several hundred of them before to the same standard throughout his career.


The decisive factor to the viralitity of the video was his performance. Savvy gamers were savagely pissed off when they instantly noticed that Tecmocarti was pathetically fucking crap at Super Mario Bros, which is one of the most basic and easy platform video games known to existence. Their anger has been largely spurred by the fact Tecmocarti commonly brags about his expansive career covering & playing video games over the past 21 years and that he's being paid for the right to do so. Gamers worldwide felt short changed that someone could be so inadequately skilled at playing games (particularly after such a ridiculously long time of playing them under a professional role) when it is a huge requirement of their job. A job most would consider a dream. Many consider his actions and mentality an insult to all who follow the video game industry and are out for virtual blood.

Tecmocarti has arrogantly released this statement today addressing the publics concerns about his skill level:
It has come to my attention over the past couple of days that many people seem to be aggravated by my skill level of playing video games. I honestly don't see why anyone gives a fuck. It's my right as a human being to fail making it to the flag pole on the first level Super Mario Bros. So what if I lost all my lives at the first Goomba on the first go? What's it to you if I can't make it past the first jump? Fuck you all. You're all a bunch of fascist, racist, sexist, Alt-right homophobes who have made me a victim for no reason! I shouldn't have to be good at gaming because it's my job to critique video games. That's just fucking stupid! Is the President of the United States any good at his job? That's what I fucking thought you bunch of assholes, NO! Yeah I just used the Trump defence, which is one of my newly attained rights of the Gaping Giant Puss-hole Millennial Act of 2016. Talk to the hand or my psychiatrist about it, because I'm far too precious to deal with reality, actual facts and common sense!

Most video game journalists can't play games for shit either, so why pick on me? Most people currently in the video game media decided to jump into the industry because they're all a bunch of modern day hipsters with no redeeming qualities and will leech onto anything to pretend they have any personality, interests or talents. Being a loser nerd - or having a fucking disgusting beard to hide your ugly fucking face. Huh. Figures - is cool at the moment so they're all currently about it with minimal interest or knowledge in the subculture. The second a different trend takes off, these lifeless snakes will be off pretending to be someone else.

At least my excuse for being in the industry is different. 21 years ago when I was in a 7/11 buying some cheap, stale candy and flicking through a video games magazine while I was high, some guy wearing a black cloak approached me and asked if I wanted to be a journalist. I said 'fuck yeah why not! What will I be covering?' He said that it didn't matter what it was or if I had any knowledge of the subject and that I started tomorrow. The next day I was in some dodgy little office in a shady part of town writing about video games I hadn't even seen or played except for a few screenshots and a boxart clipping. I asked my boss if I should be playing these games at all to give a fair assessment and he replied to me saying " Fuck you, you fat fucking cunt! You're writing reviews for 7 year old kids! They don't know if you're lying or not. They're all stupid little shits!" They were some of the wisest words ever spoken and I take that mentality with me to work every day.

It doesn't matter who tells me in the industry that I should take my job more seriously because the average video gamer is far older and smarter than yesterday. You all don't know fucking shit. I've been in this industry for 21 years! I'm the fucking king and know better than you all. My pathetically shit gameplay videos, inferior opinion and demeanour is all you deserve and all you'll fucking get. You should be thankful! It's either me or some other loser Youtuber who thinks he's going to make it big by revealing that Super Mario Bros 2 is actually a clone of Doki Doki Panic! Even I know that you stupid fucks!

You're all just jealous that I get to play games and that you don't. My 21 years of experience don't lie. If I suck at a game that means the developers made a fucking shit game. Super Mario Bros. is a perfect example of this. That game is god damn shit. The most over-rated and confusing game I've ever played. The difficulty level is so hard and unfair. I had no idea what to do when I pressed start and jumped into the game and I've played a million platformers in my day. How was I supposed to know to run right instead of left? A to jump?? WTF!! Nothing told me to ram Wario's head into a brick for a ring or boost. Stupid fucking logic I tell you and I know gaming logic.

End of story is that I am a talented gaming journalist which is why I get paid and I've done nothing wrong. I'm a victim of uncalled for and unprovoked vitriol online. My gameplay is fucking stellar and you all don't know what you're talking about. How dare you question my ability. I'm really fucking good at video games damn it. Super Mario Bros is one of the hardest games of all time and I bet that all of you would be even worse than me. 21 years of skill is what I have. I'm a talented journalist and a victim. I don't deserve the hate I'm receiving. Fuck all of you gamer cunts. 21 years experience. Victim. 21 fucking years of supreme legendary journalism. Undeserved vitriol. Victim. Victim. I'm a victim!

Your completely warranted constructive criticism is hurtful and unwanted. I'm a god-tier 21 years experience victim. Fuck all of you gaping, gaming dildo boppers! Victim.
Don Tecmocarti truly believes that he's a victim... and that MadCatz rules...


As expected, gamers online were not happy and have continued to berate Tecmocarti with restrained criticism in fear of crippling his sensitive emotions:
I've been craving the urge to call you a fucking shit cunt and wish you were dead due to your inability to play video games properly but that's exactly what you want. I'll politely say this instead; You're an incompetent video game player.
- Slitster6969
You aren't very good at playing video games. I don't think you deserve your job. Sorry.
- XxBilboBanginBoobiesxX
Don, please don't kill yourself over this comment as I know you're fragile but you're terrible at video games.
- IceSmokingGranny007

To no ones surprise Tecmocarti took immense offense to even these timid comments and reached out to Youtube to have those associated Youtube accounts banned.

To make matters worse for Don, it's also been pointed out by numerous personalities in the industry that if you actually read any of Tecmocarti's articles, you'll notice that he fucking sucks at being a journalist too and can't fact check or write for shit.

Don Tecmocarti's actions directly hurt game journalism at a time where there is already a large stigma that most game journalists are fucking shit at games and are a bunch of sheep jumping on the hipster nerd bandwagon while its still cool. Don's own response highlights this. Unfortunately Era Error is exactly that and we wish he would just shut the fuck up about it so we can continue to pretend we have personalities and know what we're talking about for a little while longer.

In other completely unrelated news, Era Error is excited to announce that we've made a new hiring to our team of talented staff. Stay tuned for more info.