After releasing several iterations in its popular line of 2DS/3DS handheld gaming devices, Nintendo has finally decided to announce a version which has a resolution higher than the god awful 'Atari 2600' level of its predecessors.
The latest model is called the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' and to explain more, we've secured an interview with Nintendo's Ko Shiota (Head Hardware Engineer).
Please understand that Nintendo Of America's renowned translator Bill Trinen was unavailable, so we've brought in our own proprietary translator. Hopefully they don't make any "Errors"...
It's a great honour for you to grace our presence, Shiota-San. What innovations are included in your latest device?
"Since the GameBoy, we've had a proud history of incremental upgrades with our hand-held devices. Before releasing a truly next-gen model, we like to whore out our outdated hardware by selling barely updated models that hold the absolute minimum of value to our customers. To achieve this we utilise modern marketing techniques that entice people by over emphasizing how important the new updates are despite the fact they're pointless."
"Nothing showcases this more than the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition'."
That's some fascinating insight Shi-Shi. One noteworthy feature is the upgraded screen. Can you please elaborate more on this?
"What the fuck did you just call me? I'm not tolerating that shit. That's some serious disrespect to me and my family. You should kill yourself!"
*translator takes deep breath*
"The new screen is the centrepiece of this iteration. All previous 2DS/3DS models feature screen technology that would've been cutting edge in 1995. We considered the same panels for the Virtual Boy but at the time were far too expensive, so we chose the atrocious red/black display instead. While designing the 3DS in 2009 we found millions of those screens dumped out the back of Sharp's factory, so we took them and never looked back."
"We're always conscious of expenditure when manufacturing hardware, and finances always takes precedence over consumer satisfaction. With that mindset combined with cutting edge marketing, we embarked on a quest to sell another outdated 3DS model for maximum revenue. One day Genyo Takeda entered my office while playing his stupid little song on the cancelled Mario Paint 3DS project and complained that the screen should be updated. I thought the idea was perfect, but as I said to Takeda, 'Ok, but only a little.' *laughs*"
Mario Paint 3DS was once a thing?
"Would you just shut the fuck up for once, god damn it! I'll throw an Ouya Controller through your car window before the day is through, I swear...."
*translator again regains composure*
"Ahh I mean... Yes it was a project, but it sucked, like you. Anyway."
"We endeavoured to continue selling outdated technology. It took a good few months to find the ultimate mediocre screen, but believe me, we found it."
"That would be a Mitsubishi 240p LCD. The original 3DS has 2 panels overlapped at a 400x200 resolution. Well this screen is only one panel at 426x240. A whole 26 pixels wider! Despite the model lacking 3D — literally no-one gives a fuck about 3D any more — we can market this as a true widescreen device, tricking the same stupid gamers who eat this shit up on a daily basis and buy every crappy model we produce."
"I honestly laugh so hard that I fear my ribs will break when people give Nintendo praise for upping their hardware with iterations. The 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' is actually an inferior product than the original version that launched in 2010!"
*laughs and deliberately exerts saliva towards Era Error Journalist - well at least the translator did*
 |
| Ko Shiota-San. |
Gee whiz I feel some hostility in the room! Were there any more aspects of the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' that you wanted to share?
"I'm going to fucking kill you in your sleep, do you know that?"
"And of course."
"The name of this system is what sells it for us. We use confusion as a way to control the public. If people are confused about what the hell is going on and are cornered by a salesman before they can figure it out, they'll buy whatever just to avoid embarrassment. We didn't want to make a mistake like the Wii U by not having our product confusing enough, and a name like 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' is sure going to fuck with people. Even the initials are spelt in reverse for no reason just like the Gamecube. (GCN)"
"The best part is this model is completely incompatible with any other 2DS/3DS software to segregate people into another unwanted eco-system, despite the fact we have only 3 games in development before we scrap this thing to focus entirely on the Switch. Oh and the extra buttons are only there to add another bullet point to our advertising, but by the time anyone realises all of this, it'll be too late."
Thanks for taking the time to detail the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' Shiota-San. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.
*Translator quickly attempts to throw an Ouya controller at the Era Error Journalist, but before they let go the controller electrocutes them because it is an absolute piece of fucking shit and a disgrace to gaming. The Translator spazzes on the floor and none of us help him to recover before he dies.*
That tied up this scenario nicely.
くたばれ われめちゃん
NOTE: We apologise about the use or appearance of an Ouya Controller in any capacity. That garbage has no place in a civil society. To moderate our own garbage, we have blurred vision of any Ouya product.
