Nintendo Announces the 'NEW NINTENDO 2DS/3DS XL U - WII EDITION'

After releasing several iterations in its popular line of 2DS/3DS dedicated gaming handheld devices, (including the 2DS XL incredibly recently) Nintendo has finally decided to announce a version which does not output a picture that reduces people to tearing their eyes out due to its god awful 'Atari 2600' level of resolution.

Nintendo call the latest model the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' and are quite satisfied by their achievements with the design. We were able to secure an interview with Ko Shiota (Head of Nintendo Japan's Hardware Department) at Era Error's virtual office to talk more about Nintendo's latest hardware venture.

Please understand that Nintendo Of America's renowned translator Bill Trinen was unavailable to assist with the interview, so we've brought in our own proprietary translator. Hopefully they don't make any "Errors"....

EE: It's a great honour for you to grace our presence, Shiota-San. Please begin by giving us a run down of the innovations of your latest device.

KS: We have a proud history of incremental upgrades in our hand-held line of devices beginning with the original Gameboy. Before we release a supremely upgraded model that designates the beginning of a new gaming generation, we like to whore out our existing and outdated hardware by selling incremental updated models that hold the absolute minimum of additions and value to our customers. We have intense internal meetings to determine how we can offer outdated technology and trick our consumers into purchasing the said tech, which usually involves modern marketing techniques that entice people by over emphasising how important the new updates are despite the fact they're pointless.

The 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' is the latest product of that history.

EE: That's some fascinating insight Shi-Shi. We've been privy to details stating that the screen on this model has been upgraded. Would you care to share some information on the display and other note-worthy features?

KS: What the fuck did you just call me??? *arks up* I'm not tolerating that shit. That's some serious disrespect to me and my family. You should go and kill yourself!

*deep breath*

The new screen is the centrepiece of this iteration. First, a little history. All previous 2DS/3DS models feature screen technology that failed in the commercial marketplace in 1995. We considered the very same panels for our Virtual Boy console but at the time it was far too expensive, so we chose the atrocious red/black display instead. While designing the 3DS in 2009 we found that those glorious low-res screens were the perfect fit for the machine, and we never looked back.

We are always incredibly conscious of our expenditure when manufacturing hardware, and the financial bottom line always has precedence over consumer satisfaction. Always! With this mindset combined with our cutting edge marketing, we embarked on a quest to sell some more outdated hardware for maximum revenue. We were almost out of ideas, until Genyo Takeda threw himself in my office and upended my tea table inappropriately - I was very upset with him over that - while playing his pathetic little song on the cancelled Mario Paint 3DS and exclaiming that the screen should finally be updated; but only a little. *laughs*

EE: Wait! Mario Paint 3DS was once a thing???

KS: Would you just shut the flying fuck up for once would you for fucks sake. God damn it just shut the fuck up! I'm so sick of your shit day in and day out and your weasily fucking abnoxious voice. I'll throw an Ouya Controller through your car window before the day is through, I swear....

*translator manages to regain some composure*

Ahh I mean... Yes it was a project. A great one at that. We just felt that no-one gives a shit about Mario Paint any more. But, please; back on topic to the new screen...

So we endeavoured to fuck over the public once again and sell outdated technology as the new godsend. We looked through several 'Book Off'' stores in Kyoto to find some old piece of shit machine, steal its internal display and find the part number from it and order it direct from the manufacturer for our new model. It took a good few months for us to find the ultimate mediocre screen, but believe me, we found it.

That part happens to be a Mitsubishi 240p LCD. The original 3DS has 2 panels overlapped at a 400x200 resolution. Well this screen is only one panel at 426x240. A whole 26 pixels wider! Also despite the fact that this model once again lacks 3D capability - I mean honestly who gives a fuck about 3D any more? - We can market this as a true widescreen device, which the previous iterations lacked, tricking the same stupid gamers who eat this sort of shit up on a daily basis and buy every crappy model we produce. Every time.

I honestly laugh so hard to the point that I fear my ribs will break when people give Nintendo praise for upping their hardware game with iterations. The 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' is actually an inferior product than the original version that launched in 2010. Much like the GBA Micro compared to the GBA SP!
*laughs and deliberately exerts saliva towards Era Error Journalist - well at least the translator did*

Ko Shiota-San.

EE: Gee whiz I feel a little bit of hostility in the room! Shiota-San. Were there any more aspects of the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' project that you wanted to share with us?

KS: I'm going to fucking kill you in your sleep, do you know that???

EE: Holy shit!

KS: Um, ahh, yes. Yes actually.

The name of this system is really what sells it for us. We use mass confusion as a way to control the public. If people are confused about what the fuck is going on and are cornered by a salesman in a store, they are more inclined to purchase an item if the salesman asks them about their knowledge of the product and they lack any. No one wants to be embarrassed or look stupid in public so they go ahead with the sale. A name like 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' is sure going to fuck with people. In fact even the apostrophe's are officially a part of the name! Plus the initials are also spelt somewhat reverse for no reason just like the Gamecube (GCN) to make matters worse.

We don't want to make a mistake like the Wii U debacle and not have our product confusing enough, so we're launching our first model of the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' in a limited edition Wii colour scheme with Wii corporate logo on top of the device. We also decided to make this model completely incompatible with any other 2DS/3DS software to segregate people into another unwanted eco-system. Now when they ask the clerk if the 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' will play legacy 2DS/3DS titles and expecting a yes answer yet receiving a no, their self esteem will be so low they'll 100% buy the system.

We also decided to add a couple of extra buttons for no other reason but to add another bullet point to our marketing and advertising. Other than the fact we have only 3 games in development before we scrap this thing to focus entirely on the Switch, that's about it.

EE: Well thanks for clearing the air on the freshly announced 'NEW! Nintendo 2DS/3DS XL U - Wii Edition' Shiota-San. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.

*Translator attempts to throw an Ouya controller at Era Error Journalist, but before they let go it electrocutes them because it's an absolute piece of fucking shit and a disgrace to gaming. Translator dies*

EE: That tied up this scenario nicely.

KS: くたばれ われめちゃん

NOTE: We apologise about the use or appearance of an Ouya Controller in any capacity. That garbage has no place in a civil society. In an attempt to moderate our own garbage, we have blurred vision of any Ouya product. If you feel that the joke went too far, please leave a comment on the article on one of our social media pages.